The Religious Policeman

I thought that I would put all the depressing stuff in one posting; that way, we can get it all over at once.

You remember how I was talking about Blood Money earlier? A way for families to show forgiveness to someone who has wronged them, and receive some earthly reward for it? I think I quoted a figure of 100,000 Riyals (about $27, 000) as the top figure? It seems that the "earthly reward" is starting to rocket (thanks to "Condo" for the link).

Pardoning killers now big business in Saudi


The daily reported recently that pardoning killers has become a multimillion-riyal business. "Profit is now the motive of forgiveness," it added. "It is called blood money, and the families of some victims are cashing in, demanding sums beyond the reach of all but the very rich," it explained. Last year alone, more than SR40 million was paid to pardon eight people.

That's an average of $1.3 million each! You Christians out there, forgiving for free, you are missing out on a business opportunity here! After all, you could always appear to do it out of the goodness of your heart, but in reality collect something "under the table"!

Sources say there are even some cases in which families have publicly announced a killer being pardoned for the sake of God, but in reality a large sum had been paid to them under the table with silence about the payment being one of the conditions for forgiveness.

But what happens to the people trying to come up with these sums?

Dr Nasser bin Misfer of the peacemaking committee in the holy city of Makkah also expressed disgust about exorbitant blood-money demands that can destroy families, forcing them to beggary after they pay.

That's not surprising. Not many people have that sort of money in the bank. So they'll need to "borrow" from the exended family, and ruin several generations. So how do we get back to the original idea of forgiveness?

We educate the family about the tolerance of Islam and tell them that such forgiveness will be greatly rewarded by God on the Day of Judgment,” he added.

Indeed it will. But some families can't wait until "pay-day", they want a big advance to keep them going until then. So it's going to need legislation to limit amounts, but at the rate we move, that'll happen around the Day of Judgement as well.

Mind you, even when you've got the money together, and given it to the lawyer, your troubles are not over. (Thanks to "Sandman" for this link)

Lawyer Pockets Blood Money, Leaves Convict to Die

The case of Alaauldeen, who is awaiting execution at a prison in Tabuk after conviction on a murder charge, has a new twist. An individual donated SR8 million to secure him pardon, but the lawyer hired to deliver the money has decided to keep it.

That's $2.1 million. Father Christmas came early. Not that the lawyer believes in Father Christmas. Or perhaps he does, now?

“The lawyer said that he would deliver the blood money when the case of the Khamis Mushayt girl was solved. This was untrue because the two cases are unconnected,”

Nice one! Of course the two cases are not connected. That's a total "red herring". What he's saying is complete and utter BS. But then, he's a lawyer, they are paid to think up BS. And what better payment than SR8?

Apparently, the lawyer believes the SR8 million will be his.

Well, at the rate he's going, it will be. But how about complaining to the Saudi Arabia Bar Association?

There, it's not all depressing, this post. We do have one laugh. Because, you see, we don't have such a thing as a Bar Association! That sort of thing is a Western Unbeliever concept. Our lawyers are trained in Shariah Law which is based on the Quran, therefore by definition they are religious men, therefore they will never do anything wrong! So why would we need a Bar Association? Surely you can understand that!

But justice will be done in the end, won't it?

Al-Madinah interviewed the lawyer who said that he won’t pay the blood money even if the case of Khamis Mushayt is resolved. He said that the Tabuk prisoner is the least he cares about. He denied telling the family that he would pay them the money, and says he doesn’t care if the man dies or not.

What can I say? Let's change the subject. To the tale of a 12-year-old girl and her younger brother, whose father sadly dies.

After her father s death, a distant relation to her late father asked for Munirah s hand in marriage. The family accepted on the condition that Munirah s younger brother accompany the couple. The man, who was 50 years older than his bride....

So, at the age of 12, she is married off to a 62-year-old man. You might call this pedofilia, but it's legal in Saudi Arabia. He's having sex with her, but they are married, which makes it legal. You think 12 is too young? Well, Mohammad is reported to have married and consummated his marriage with a 9-year-old.

However, that's not all.

....on her wedding night she was shocked to discover that she was his sixth wife.

What an old rascal! He never told her she was number 6! And he's only allowed 4 at any one time! Oh well, boys will be boys!

And talking of boys...

Munirah s younger brother seemed to be experiencing difficulties also. He would leave the house as often as possible, only to return to weep in his sister's arms. At first Munirah thought he was crying over her situation, but she later discovered the truth. Her husband had been raping her younger brother.

Oh, hang on! That's a bit much! Not the age of the boy, although he is a bit young, but having sex with him against his will. Not that it's homosexuality of course, because homosexuality is where both men are willing partners, and we chop their heads off. But having sex with a small boy is a bit out of order, and we're going to have to prosecute him.

So he was sentenced to three years imprisonment and 2,000 lashes for raping his wife s brother.

Well, that's quite a few lashes, but 3 years is the same as the sentence for witchcraft, so that's probably about right. You would no doubt give him a much harsher sentence in the West, but then, you're obsessed with sex, you see evil where people just get a little carried away.

But wait, there's a bit of legal business to tidy up here.

The woman filed a case against her husband seeking separation

Well, I suppose we could allow her to do that, as a special concession. After all, she was Wife Number 6. But justice always comes at a price.

The court agreed, asking her to return the SR10,000 dowry money

After all, if you get dowry money for getting married, you should give it back when you get unmarried. Stands to reason. Even if you've been fraudulently married by a polygamist pedofile with a taste for small girls and small boys.

There, I told you it would be depressing, didn't I?

...and in no other country in the world, would you find this information in a newspaper article.....

Some 80 young Saudi girls have enrolled for the new graduate nursing program developed at King Faisal Specialist Hospital & Research Center

....followed by this cultural insight....

Asked about the social stigma associated with Saudi women entering the nursing profession, she said they were gradually overcoming the problem.

Explanation - We import our nurses mainly from the Philippines and to some extent from Europe and North America. We don't like dealing with bodily fluids and smells ourselves.

....The German imagines even God singing songs. So said the German philosopher, Friedrich Nietzsche.

However, the Saudi does not imagine Allah singing songs. Or at least our Imams don't. We're going thru one of our periodic "things" about music, especially music at weddings. There's an article in the Saudi Gazette about the ladies who sing at weddings. (If you're not familiar what happens at a Saudi Wedding, you might look at Saudi Weddings 101.) The ladies who sing in the "female half" of the wedding are coming in for some criticism.

WHILE many have called for their banning, and families threaten to have them murdered, female wedding singers continue to make an absolute killing. Dancing all the way to the bank, the Saudi Arabian wedding songster is demanding upwards of SR15,000 per matrimonial bash. More than 120 alone are entertaining people in Jeddah.

Why would "families threaten to have them murdered"? Why do they provoke this extreme reaction?....

Waad was a wedding singer who worked in the Kingdom for many years before she decided to turn professional appearing on TV and producing her own albums. She now lives in Lebanon, rejected by her family and in fear of her own life after receiving death threats from her own outraged brother.

....because with the wedding guests themselves, they are very popular.

Without a good singer the wedding is going to be dull, said Sahara Al-Jilany, a 26-year-old from Jeddah. Like many people, Jilany seems to enjoy the one way to sing and dance the night away to live music in this country, and she certainly feels they are well-worth the lucrative rates they demand. The singer I got at my wedding was paid SR18,000, and she was worth it, said Jilany.

Two answers. The first is that some people do not like to see women making an independent living, or developing their own and hi-profile reputation. They should be staying at home, having endless children, devoting themselves to their husbands. And it is the families who often feel this the most strongly.

But the second answer, and the excuse that these homicidal families latch on to, is the opinion of Islamic so-called scholars. Switch on any Arab TV channel, or listen to radio stations in Saudi Arabia, and you will hear music. We have shops full of CD's. But our so-called scholars have a real problem with music, especially live music.

Now there is nothing in the Quran that specifically prohibits music. All the pronouncements of the Imams are instead based on their own narrow prejudices, although they do try and dig out Mohammad's reported sayings in support. If we consult our resident Islamic scholar, he tells us that...

The case with music and unlawful singing is the same. It has been decisively prohibited in Shariah, as the evidences mentioned further along will show. Yet there are individuals that are not ready to believe that it is Haram (prohibited).

Music is bad for you, partly because it's an evil plot by unbelievers...

Music is a direct ploy of the Non-Muslims. One of the main causes for the decline of the Muslims is their involvement in useless entertainment. Today we see that Muslims are involved, and at the forefront perhaps, of many immoralities and evils. The spiritual power which once was the trait of a Muslim is nowhere to be seen. One of the main reasons for this is music and useless entertainment.

"Useless entertainment". He must mean the "Jerry Springer" show. Especially now it's a musical. And of course music can lead to all kinds of naughty things...

.... it effects one’s emotions, creates arousal, passion and excitement, and also leads to various physiological changes in the person. It is a psychological proven fact that two things are instrumental in arousing the human sexual desire, one being the voice of a female (for males) and the other music.

Such is the complete garbage that this guy dreams up. "Psychological proven fact", indeed. It has been psychologically proven that if I had to listen to Ruby Wax's voice for more than an hour, I would become celibate. More than a day, and I'd cut my throat. I'm sure everyone has their own favorite example.

So he scratches around for some reports that Mohammad didn't like music...

Na’fi reports that .... heard the sound of a Sheppard’s flute. He put his fingers in his ears, turned his mule away from the road and said: “O Nafi’! Can you hear? .... He carried on walking (with his fingers in his ears) until I said: “the sound has ceased” He removed his fingers from his ears, came back on to the road and said: “I saw the Messenger of Allah (Allah bless him & give him peace) doing the same when he heard the flute of the Sheppard”

OK, so Mohammad couldn't stand the sound of the shepherd's flute. That's because the shepherd's playing was crap. If he were any good, he'd have been doing world tours like James Galway. Instead, he's hanging out with sheep. Doesn't mean that Mohammad didn't like real music.

In fact, there is real evidence that Mohammad did in fact enjoy music....

As for those who hold music to be lawful usually present the Hadith of Sahih al-Bukhari in which two girls were singing in the presence of the Messenger of Allah (Allah bless him & give him peace) and Sayyida A’isha (Allah be pleased with her).

....so faced with this threat to his argument, our miserable scholar tries to pretend that it was a "special case", a one-off....

the content of the song was regarding war, thus perfectly lawful.

....claiming that it was a song about war. A catchy little number about decapitating prisoners, perhaps? But no-one kept the music, or did a live recording, so we'll never know. Especially not our "scholar", who has obviously invented that bit of nonsense, and is clearly talking out of a rarely-seen orifice. He can't alter the fact that Mohammad was listening to girls singing.

Finally, after a load of tedious quotations, our wise one comes to the conclusion that

However, to play the tambourine....at weddings .... will be permissible.

So there's nothing wrong with what our wedding singers are doing, singing with tambourines, according to general Islamic scholarly opinion. Unfortunately, that's not good enough for our home-grown Imams, the product of our beloved Imam University. What do they say?

Let's dial 1-800- S-T-O-O-P-I-D and find out.

These ladies should be banned from the country, said Sheikh Yousuf Edrees, an imam at a Jeddah mosque, who is voicing his personal opinion. They are thieves and every penny they earn is haram; they are outlaws. Edrees noted the singers are not only doing something haram but also getting money for it, two sins at one time, he added.

"Two sins at one time". He's obviously impressed. Like most of us, he can only manage one sin at once. But tonite he's going to have a go at whistling while abusing himself.

Meanwhile, you may be wondering, why are we only allowed the tambourine?

Well, I am sure that God intended us to use whatever we could invent. The Christians, Jews, and all the rest seem to have got this message from Him, and have kept up with the march of progress. How many different instruments are there in a symphony orchestra? But in Saudi Arabia, around 622 CE, they hadn't come across many instruments. In fact, apart from our shepherd, all they had was the tambourine. And it is quite possible that, when the Archangel Gabriel was relaying the message on to Mohammad, the conversation went something like this...

AG OK, time to get on to music. Ready?

M Sure, fire away.

AG It is permissible to sing....

M ...OK to sing...

AG ...and play the tambourine...

M ...tambourine OK...

AG ...and blow the trumpet...

M ...trumpet?

AG ...sorry, forgot you guys don't have the trumpet. Curly pipe, you blow a raspberry down one end. The Israelites were great trumpet players. Did a gig outside Jericho. "as soon as you hear the sound of the trumpet, then all the people shall shout with a great shout; and the wall of the city will fall down flat, and all the people shall charge straight ahead." Seriously cool, that, you should have seen it. So that's the trumpet....

...and play the violin....

M ...violin?

AG Oh, sorry, it's not been invented yet. But it will be. Stretch the intestines of a cat across a wooden box and rub them with a horse's tail. Sounds stupid, I know, but it sounds great. So that's the violin.

....and the Moog Synthesiser...

M ...the what?

AG 1400 years time. Guy called Robert Moog will revolutionize popular music. It's an electronic...

M ...electronic?

AG OK, I see your problem. Perhaps I was expecting too much. Best not walk before you can run. Tell you what, let's keep it simple for now. Let's stick with singing and the tambourine. That way, when the guys invent a new instrument, they can just update the book and carry on from there. Anyway, let's move on to another subject. Much more important, but related in a way. Related to trumpets, that is. Let's deal with passing wind....


But thanks to our scholars, we have never moved on from there, even after 1400 years. Somehow we have embraced the automobile, and air conditioning, and the cellphone, but the great outpouring of human creativity that is music, has passed us by. Now they even want to ban the tambourine.

And if the muttawa catch even God singing songs, he'll be in Big Trouble.

I'm sure there are times when we all want to be somewhere else, doing something else, or indeed being someone else. The recent tragic death of soccer legend George Best, (who was sadly an alcoholic and managed to get thru two livers by the age of 59), strikes a note with many males like myself, who would have given anything to be soccer superstars, were it not for a complete lack of ability.

However some ambitions are more achievable.

Three American women, who converted to Islam recently, want to live in Saudi Arabia in the vicinity of the holy mosques.

The word "convert" is not strictly correct. Islam actually uses the term "revert", because of its vanity that it is the one original religion into which we are all naturally born, until some of us do silly things like becoming Southern Baptists or Scientologists or Buddists. It claims to be the original religion, in spite of the fact that it was only founded in 622. I never could really figure that out, but then, people keep telling me I'm a Bad Muslim.

Something else I couldn't figure out, was the motivation of one of the "reverts". Now I've no problem with anyone finding their spiritual home wherever, thru whatever experience. For St Paul, it was the road to Damascus. For one of these ladies, it was the road to Manhattan.

Aysha came to the fold of Islam after the Sept. 11 attacks in the United States. The kamikaze attacks on the World Trade Center and the Pentagon ignited her interest in Islam.

That's what put her on to "The Beauty of Islam". Hmmm. It struck me as being like the vegetarian who started eating meat after watching the "Hannibal" movie.

Here's a more understandable wannabe.

A Yemeni man was arrested recently after being caught cross-dressing inside a female educational institution

The "Arab News", bless it, is charmingly innocent and naive about why he did it.

Police are still trying to find out the man’s motive for dressing up in an abaya.

It's not rocket science, they could have asked any long-time reader of this blog. For newer readers, it goes like this - the only women whose faces an adult male will see, are those of close female relatives that he cannot marry, like his mother or his sisters. Now one way he can look at Saudi girls' unveiled faces, is to get his parents to start matchmaking for him. However he will only get to see two or three at most, before he is expected to agree to marry one. The easier way to see many girls' faces is to kit yourself up in an abaya (long black shroud) and niqab (veil), and start wandering around a girls' school, because they go around unveiled in there. However, before you rush off and do that, there are some other things to remember. You don't need to shave your face, because it's veiled, but you do need to shave the backs of your hands, and your arms and legs where they stick out. And walk like a lady, don't swing your arms and roll around like Popeye. Otherwise...

A teacher who noticed his manly movements and hairy legs, confronted him.

Anyway, that's the difference between our cross-dressers and yours. Yours are real pansies. Ours are real men.

Another aspiration is when women get to be a certain age.
They want to go off and get a job, have their own apartment, go out shopping with their friends, meet fellas, go on vacation with a bunch of mates, generally enjoy their youth and freedom while they still have it.

However, in Saudi Arabia, we do not approve of that sort of thing. Young women are expected to live with their families until they get married off. And if our 20-year-olds get other ideas and get independent, they're in trouble.

Riyadh police had received a report from a family that their 20-year-old daughter was missing for several weeks. The CID took the descriptions of the woman.

It's a serious matter. It leads to a full scale (wo)manhunt.

They raided a number of localities and arrested a boy with her.

Caught her! And there was a boy involved as well. Not his fault of course, she obviously led him astray with her female wiles, so

The girl was placed in the women s prison in Al-Malaz

...as is right and proper...

while the boy is being questioned.

...OK, I just hope they're not being rude to him, and bring him lots of nice cups of tea.

Just in case there are any other wannabe Bridget Jones in Saudi Arabia, be warned...

...surveys conducted by Riyadh police have shown that women are lured by youths into escaping from their families and then at gunpoint they are made to take drugs. After that they are put into prostitution.

...and sometimes they get lost in the wood but find a Gingerbread House. Or an empty house with bowls of steaming porridge. Or one with a furry Granny in the bed....

So you see why we need to keep our daughters at home until we find them a husband. We keep them in prison until we find them a new prison, otherwise they go to prison.

Just to let you know that I will be away for two to three weeks during December, and will not be able to blog. For obvious reasons, I won't be too specific about dates. However I promise to be back before the anniversary celebrations of Prophet Isa's (PBUH) birth and the re-dedication of the Jerusalem temple.

I may also make the Comments facility temporarily invisible at the same time. This is just to stop one or two undesirables creeping in and misbehaving themselves, because I won't be able to keep an eye on things. However I will restore it on my return, so nobody's words of wisdom will be lost forever.

to all in the USA...

Happy Thanksgiving!

(Oh heck, I forgot again. As it says in the Wahabbi publications we leave around in US mosques....

Never greet the Christian or Jew first. Never congratulate the infidel on his holiday.

Terrible memory I've got. "Scott from Oregon" had me diagnosed correctly in a comment, when he said I must have a "conveyor belt brain". Stick one thing on the front, another drops off the back. Anyway, as long as I can remember, I won't congratulate you when it comes to time of the idolatrous celebration of the anniversary of the Prophet Isa (Peace Be Upon Him); nor the Zionist celebration of the illegal rededication of the Temple, even though they knew that the Muslims already had Planning Approval to build a mosque on that very same spot 900 years later.)

However, here is somebody who definitely won't forget a certain day.

Last-Minute Pardon Saves Murderer

The governor of Baha, Prince Muhammad ibn Saud, has praised Saad Ali Al-Amri for pardoning the killer of his father. Ali Al-Amri was killed 19 years ago in a dispute over land ownership.
People who had gathered in the public square to witness the execution wept as Al-Amri announced his decision to pardon the 60-year-old killer just seconds before the sentence was to be carried out.

Of course they wept. I'd weep. You know what it's like if you're looking forward to a super day out. Especially if you've got younger children, you know how excited they get, how long it takes to get them ready. Then, almost at the climax, it fizzles out. The relative takes the blood money instead, with seconds to go. What a downer.

It's like me going to watch my beloved Spurs on a Saturday afternoon, and a message comes over the loudspeaker "Sorry, folks, there won't be a game this afternoon. The lads have had a better cash offer. You might catch them at Brent Cross Shopping Center, spending some of it with their wives".

Or at the end of the opera, "La Boheme". Mimi lies dying of TB, although she still sings beautifully. Suddenly Rodolfo's cellphone rings. He's just got a mega publishing deal for his book of poems. He pays for a world-famous TB specialist, who cures her. So the Bohemians buy a nice house in the suburbs, and one of those funny Citroens, and have 7 children.

Or the ending of "Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid". When the troops are waiting to ambush them in the town plaza, the market traders start losing business and bribe the soldiers to go home. Butch and Sundance burst out into the square to be faced by........a stall loaded with red and green peppers. They start prodding them looking for nice ones to cook with their fahitas that evening.

I have said it before, and I'll say it again. We just don't do our public executions properly. Thanks to "Khesh" for this illustration of what they should be like.



And this blood money thing is all wrong. Not the idea itself, I'm all for forgiveness, especially when it shows up in the bank statement. But the idea that you can wait until the very last moment, and put the killer thru all that anguish, and then pardon him and collect all the money, just doesn't seem balanced. After all, if he gets chopped, you get nothing. But if you pardon him a second before, you get the full whack. Instead, it should be a sliding scale.

So what I propose is one of those huge flat-screen displays in the town square outside the mosque. 10 minutes before, it shows the full amount, say 100,000 riyals, but then gradually counts down towards zero, when the sword falls. If and when the victim's family call out and pardon him, they get the amount on the display. So there's a dramatic tension between approaching death and decreasing blood money. What drama. And of course our cheerleaders, the lovely Abayettes, could whip up the hysteria even more, getting the crowd to call out the numbers as they click down.

It would also be a huge money-spinner for the Saudi State Lottery. At the moment they have two main sources of income:

Super Surah. This is where you buy a ticket corresponding to a particular verse in a particular Surah (chapter) of the Quran. If that's the verse that the Imam of the Grand Mosque in Makkah chooses to use for his Friday Sermon, then you win. The odds are long, so the payout is good. However, although the gentleman in question is very holy, there is always a suspicion that it's "fixed".

Ramadan-a-Ding-Dong. Here, you pick the day when you think Ramadan will end, as judged by the first appearance of the moon. The odds are about 1 in 3, so the payout is not very good. Also, it's seasonal. However, it's above reproach, unless they start using dodgy telescopes.

But now we'll be able to have Choppo-Lotto. Pick the amount of blood money the family will go for. As the slogan says, "If you're on the money, you're in the money". Bad luck, of course, if it goes all the way. For you especially, because the Lottery keeps the lot.

So let's go over to our commentary team and see what they have to say about today's execution.

Ibrahim: Well, there's a great atmosphere here today in Riyadh's Al Musmak Square, you know I believe the Westerners call it "Chop-chop Square", what a strange sense of humor they have, anyway the crowds are still pouring in for what promises to be a nail-biting event, will it go all the way, or will the family forgive their bank accounts? Let's see what our experts think. Saeed?

Saeed: Well, Ibrahim, you know what they say, on the day it can go either way. I know a lot of the smart money is going on a one-minute reprieve, but I'm not so sure. I really think the family will settle for a Saudi vacation this year, and we're going to see a "gusher".

Ibrahim: So Saeed's advice is save your money, don't get a ticket. How about you, Abdullah?

Abdullah: No, I don't agree, I don't think we'll see heads roll today. A little camel tells me that the family have been seen round the car showrooms this last week. For me, the only question is, will they wait until he's kneeling and then go for the Lexus, or hang on until he's lost bladder control and settle for a Landcruiser.

Ibrahim: Well there you have it, folks, our expert opinion is divided. But, I've just spotted the lovely Abayettes coming on, so let's go over to Mohammad at the ringside....

Unfortunately, I have not been able to pay enough to secure the syndication rights to the whole event. But you can catch it on Saudi TV 1, right after the popular, subtitled, "Coronation Street" soap opera from Britain. It's the one where Deidre commits adultery and is then stoned to death.

And if that one is totally lost on you, have a great Thanksgiving!

Mrs A says she doesn't want the previous post to give the impression that she is mercenary. So she's selected some items to show that "money isn't everything".

Man Refuses to Marry Woman for Her Salary

The father went to his cousin and asked for his daughter’s hand for his son. The father agreed and during the engagement party, the son did the unthinkable. He stood in front of the matchmaker and said that he refused to marry his cousin. He said that his father had pushed him into marriage with the woman because she was a teacher with a good salary.

Understandable. She may have a good salary, and she is a teacher. But, as I've already said, money isn't everything. You see, she might be condescending, bossy and bad-tempered.
Not that there's any connection between that and her being a teacher. (Ducks)
No, what I really meant was, we shouldn't all going round marrying our first cousins. Being Saudi, we already have enough genetic problems as it is.

However sons should obey their fathers, and if they don't, they know what to expect. Our 60-year-old fathers work out.

A 60-year-old father beat up his 22-year-old son .... who managed to escape to an unknown location.

Meanwhile

Woman Demands Divorce From Chef

A woman has demanded a divorce from her husband because he accepted a job as a chef in a five-star restaurant in Riyadh....The man said he had worked as a security guard for SR700 a month and that he would be happy to use his cooking skills to improve his living conditions.

So, she married a man earning approximately $180 a month working as a security guard, but didn't like him becoming a chef for a much better salary. Well, as we keep saying, money isn't everything. Besides, you're probably "thinking Western"; you know, grasping opportunities, getting on, improving yourself, work ethic, nobility of labor, all that stuff. That may be fine for you over there, but this is Saudi Arabia.

She said that she refused to be married to someone who was a cook in a restaurant. Her family said that the man would bring shame on their daughter because the job was not up to their standards.

Still puzzled? Oh dear, you are slow today, let me explain patiently.

You see, a security guard gets a uniform, so it's almost like the armed forces, which is the pinnacle of ambition for any Saudi male. And he gets to sit in front of security camera screens, drink coffee, be rude to people (especially from the Third World), and then fall asleep. It's a respectable job.

A restaurant chef, on the other hand, has to be capable of cooking six main courses at the same time in extreme heat and humidity whilst singing some 10-year-old pop song badly out of tune and swearing colorfully at the trainees and waiters. It's the sort of thing we import Pakistanis and Filipinos to do. It's skilled manual labor. It's demeaning. It's not a Saudi sort of job.

So that's clear? And the wife and the family are quite right, we must maintain our standards.

What we Saudis are good at, on the other hand, is Financial Services. You know, working with money. High-value deals involving large amounts of currency. All we need to do is find a buyer.

A gang of counterfeiters couldn’t believe their luck when a Dubai man agreed to pay them seven million dollars in return for 22 million pieces of blank paper.
The blank paper was cut in the shape of $100 bills, and the gang told the buyer that if he dipped them in a special chemical solution, they would turn into real money.

But I'm proud to say that the inventive mind behind this ingenious Financial Engineering was...

The gang’s ringleader Abdul Rahman Al Madokey, 35-year-old Saudi citizen

...although...

when they turned up at a late-night rendezvous to hand over the blank paper, they found the “buyer” turned out to be an undercover Dubai cop.

....and....

Dubai’s appeal court upheld a lower court’s ruling sentencing each of the men to one year in prison followed by deportation.

Typical Dubai. Too busy building hotels and houses for soccer stars. Not only have they no sense of humor, they can't recognize a creative finance opportunity when it's right under their nose.

Still, money isn't everything.

(Thanks to "Condo" for that last item.)

Once upon a time, it was very important to be able to memorize the Quran. When the only writing materials were animal skins from which the fat had been scraped, or papyrus knitted together, it was much cheaper (although perhaps more error-prone) to spread the word of the Quran by having someone memorize it, to relay it to others, including others who would also memorize it.

Time passed, and the printing press was invented, and the internet. However, we still encourage, if not force, our less fortunate young men to memorize the Quran. That's a lot of memorization, 440 pages in the case of my copy. Mind you, it's good practice for our educational system, where the emphasis is on the memory rather than reasoning ability.

One incentive is the regular Quran Memorization Contests that we hold, some of them international. Like most things Saudi, and particularly our public executions, we don't make enough of them. They need more pazazz, because they're a bit dull, to say the least. There is a great deal of poetry in the Quran, but it doesn't come out when it has been memorized and is being endlessly regurgitated at great speed. It would be the same for people memorizing and replaying the Bible. There's just not enough time to dwell on those great bits and make the most of them. They could also make it more interesting by having leagues and play-offs and things, cheerleaders in abayas and veils with black pon-poms; "Monday Night Quran - The Imam University "Beards" take on the Committee for the Promotion of Virtue and Prevention of Vice "Mutts""; but that will have to wait for another posting.

Anyway, for one man, memorizing the Quran seems to have paid off.

Memorize Qur’an, Woman Tells Suitor

A woman demanded from a man who asked her hand in marriage to memorize the holy Qur’an as a condition of accepting to marry him, Al-Watan reported. The 21-year-old woman said that she is not interested in money as much as she is interested in a good religious husband. The woman said that she would hold a test in which she will ask them to recite the Qur’an without a mistake.

Isn't that nice? I like a nice soppy love story. They should make a film about it. It would last 7 hours.

I asked Mrs A what she thought. She said, given the choice, she would rather have the money than a good religious husband, although she would be OK with the latter as long as he had pots of money and trimmed his beard as well. Also, her big mistake in life was not asking prospective suitors to memorize and read out their bank statement for the last 2 years. That in fact, if she'd done that, she would now be living in much greater comfort, and I would be hanging round Saudi shopping malls with the lads, trying to give my phone number to unsuspecting ladies. She's a real softy at heart.

She also said that I can't even pass the Shopping List Memorization test. When I'm sent out to buy 4 things, I score somewhere between 50% and 75%. That if Muhammad had depended on me to pass on the contents of the Quran, I would have got as far as "In the name of..." and then started scratching my head.

A four word Quran is an interesting historical "what if?".

I often find myelf being accused of being "anti-Muslim"; an irony for someone who is himself a Muslim. However, it is true that I get very angry with the extreme zealots and fanatics who have hijacked much of my religion and used it for their own evil purposes, and are causing trouble all around the world. I also get very frustrated with the "silent majority" of Muslims who allow this to happen.

So I was therefore pleased to read this small piece of news from a small town in the North of England, and incidentally home to one of the 7/7 London bombers.

Jihad videos left in mosques in tube bomber's town

The headline, of course, is bad news. Some vermin had scuttled into a mosque and left its droppings, with Jihadi propaganda tapes and DVD's placed alongside the genuine religious material.

The tape is understood to show scenes of violence against Muslims, including footage of funeral processions and burials from Iraq overlaid by verses from the Qur'an. Along with others, it was left with genuine religious material at the mosque's reception area in sleeves allegedly disguised to suggest that the contents were celebratory sermons and texts

However, the good news is that worshippers at the mosque, instead of "keeping it to themselves" or "keeping it within the community", showed that they rejected its message, didn't want their young people polluted by it, felt themselves to be responsible members of the wider community, and handed the material into the police.

Detectives from the West Yorkshire force are examining a videotape handed in by worshippers in Dewsbury, who were concerned that young people were being targeted by the anonymous drop at two mosques in the Savile Town area.

Now I appreciate that this is an extremely small step, a very small act of common sense and decency. It's going to take hundreds of thousands of such steps in thousands of places, world-wide, before things really improve. But, as someone once said, "The longest journey starts with a single step".

A new website has appeared, that documents the case of Muhammad Al Harbi, the Saudi schoolteacher sentenced to 3 years and 750 lashes for...well, I'm still not sure what for. It also gives us a picture of Muhammad, here on the left. And immediately we see one "problem". You see, really religious people, muttawa (as an adjective) people, grow their beards as long as the width of their fist, as commanded by the namesake of our teacher. They look like the guy in the top right, or Mr Scary further down this page. Yet Mr Al Harbi obviously goes to great lengths to trim his beard. Whilst not an offense in itself, it does suggest that he is perhaps not quite as reliable as his straggly-bearded compatriots, and could be prima facie cause for suspicion by his pious and devout colleagues.

The new site is www.malharbi.com/en/home.html

It gives some insight into his "Witchcraft" charge.

He invented an instrument that produces a sound before the fall of rain. He put this machine at the school's gate to help students know if the rain was coming in order to avoid getting wet in their way home. this machine produces musical sound; so his fellow opponent teachers accused him of legalizing music, which is banned in the Wahhabi sect of Islam, and when Muhammed's case went to court, the judge accused him of using witchcraft to operate this instrument!

Graduates of the Imam University do not study Physics, hence their complete ignorance of the effects of humidity, or indeed anything in the real world. They probably regard their vacuum cleaner as some form of witchcraft, which is why the maid is the only one to use it.

The site also covers two other cases, those of Dr. Hamzah al-Muzayni and Muhammad al-Suhaymi, which are equally ludicrous indictments of our theologically-trained judges. I would urge you to go over there and have a look.

To leave a message in the Guest Book;

click on Guest Book

click on the right-hand button of the two at the top

put your name in the top box, your message in the big box next to the smilies, and then click the box at the bottom.

The good news is that Saudi Arabia is going to tackle racism, head on.

The Intergovernmental Group of Experts (IGGE) of the Organization of Islamic Conference (OIC), which is chaired by Saudi Arabia, is drafting an Islamic covenant on combating racial discrimination.

That's good, because up until now, we've been one of the most rabidly racist countries in the world, and totally unconcerned about it. Walk down any Saudi street and ask anybody who looks as though they come from points East, how do the Saudis regard and treat you? Ask the Pakistani taxi driver. Ask the Bangladeshi street-cleaner, in his orange jump-suit, sweeping up the tissues and fast-food boxes that we thoughtfully throw out of our car window as we pass. Best of all, if you get the chance, ask our Indonesian housemaids.

We import Indonesian housemaids in 747-sized containers. Why? Because Saudis often find themselves in a quandary when cleaning issues arise or a meal needs to be cooked because they have never done either. To many the simple task of mopping a floor or even making a pot of tea can present a major challenge. Many Saudis never do a single household chore, and some would not be able to tell you where to find the cleaning detergents and cleaning equipment in their own homes. The responsibility for household chores is left to a family’s domestic helper.

So, we depend on them. Especially when we have "cleaning issues", not to mention "cooking issues". Now good help is hard to get, and even harder to keep. So one way of keeping them is to lock them up in the bathroom.

Nour Miyati, the Indonesian maid who accused her sponsor of torturing her and keeping her tied up in a bathroom for a month, was released yesterday into her lawyer’s custody from the charity society where she was being cared for....In March, Nour Miyati was taken to a Riyadh hospital by her sponsor in critical condition. She was suffering from severe injuries which caused gangrene to her fingers, toes and part of her right foot. Some of her fingers were amputated. At first she claimed that her sponsor had tied her up for a month in a bathroom and beat her severely, injuring her eyes and knocking several of her teeth out.

An isolated instance? No, this sort of thing is being reported all the time. Often the risk they face is sexual, from the father of the household, or the son(s), or both.

The employer, or “kafeel” as they are called in Arabic, threatened the maid with termination if she didn’t acquiesce to his lascivious advances, according to the short telephone conversations the maid was able to have with her relative. When a female relative of the maid tried to visit her at her employer’s house, the Saudi man screamed at her, enraged that she had been able to locate his house. He then lashed out and repeatedly hit her on face, causing her to fall down. The relative, naturally scared, turned and ran away, screaming for help from anyone in the neighborhood.

This abuse has reached such proportions, that there is a network of "safe houses" for maids who run away. Often they are pregnant, and it is the safe house that protects them from legal proceedings for adultery. And we all know the Shariah penalty for adultery, don't we?

The situation got so bad, that the Indonesian government suspended the "export" of maids for 5 months....

Indonesia sends the largest number of domestic servants to Saudi Arabia. The South East Asian country recently lifted a five-month ban on recruitment to the Kingdom following talks between Saudi Arabian National Recruiting Committee Chairman Waleed Al-Suwaidan and the Indonesian deputy minister of labor.

...although that ban was then lifted. Not that the situation had improved, you understand, but we probably promised to build them some nice new mosques. That sort of thing usually works with the poorer Islamic countries.

Meanwhile, our own government is just getting around to thinking that it might just do something at some point in the future....

The Labor Ministry yesterday warned Saudi sponsors and employers against abusing maidservants saying they would face deterrent punishments including jail sentences.
Ahmed Mansour Al-Zamil, deputy minister for labor affairs, said his ministry was following up cases of maids who have taken shelter at the refugee centers under the Social Affairs Ministry.

Mind you, the maids in the shelters are the relatively lucky ones. If they haven't made it to safety, they are at real risk.

In a similar incident, police in Riyadh arrested three young Saudis for kidnapping a runaway Indonesian maid, Al-Madinah reported. The young men forced the woman into their car and drove to an isolated area outside the city where they planned to rape her. A witness alerted the police who pursued them and arrested the men. The woman was sent back to her employer.

If she wanders the streets, she is fair game for any wannabe rapist. So we send her back to the employer from whom she escaped in the first place, who can then carry on doing whatever he did to make her want to escape, possibly including molesting or raping her.

So you can see that this is a major Saudi racism issue, and one where the government has been too quiet for too long. Next, we could deal with the treatment of Indian laborers, often unpaid for months on end, with little money to eat and none to go back home, because the Saudi employer is a lousy businessman but his employees must suffer for his little "cash flow issue".

And then....Oh, hang on, I misread the original article. I was getting carried away again. What the original article says, is

...that bigotry and racial discrimination against Muslims were still rife and were now and then fuelled by attempts to defame the religion. There were double standards in international relations, foreign occupations, arbitrary economic measures and embargoes against certain countries, and exploitation of technology to disseminate Islamophobia.

Silly me! I should have known better! It's like apologies; when we say that an apology is called for, we mean that you must apologize, not us. Same thing here. We are not talking about our racial discrimination against others. No, we are talking about your racial discrimination against us.

"Islamophobia" of course is not racism, it's dislike of Muslims, whatever race. No matter, the cap will fit, because we want it to. We are Victims. The world is picking on Us again. We are feeling very sorry for Ourselves. But enough of Us. Let's talk about you. So why are you picking on Us?

Now I am not saying for one moment that other groups are free from racism. It's just that generally, they have a more self-critical and self-questioning attitude, and therefore do something about it. The recent death of Rosa Parks in the USA reminded us of how an entire country looked in on itself and did something about a major racism problem. The more liberal Europeans are even saying that it's OK to torch a car (but preferably not their own) if you believe that you are a racism victim.

But no such self-questioning in Saudi Arabia. No suggestion that recent Islamophobia has anything to do with the continuing barbaric behavior of a dysfunctional Muslim minority, worldwide. No mention of the ongoing Muslim Mayhem Month. (Also on Saturday, a suicide bomber detonated his car in a crowd of Shiite mourners north of Baghdad, killing at least 36 people and raising the death toll in two days of attacks against Shiites to more than 120. Scratch 120 Shiites. We don't mind killing fellow-Muslims, as long as they are the minority Shiites). No, we don't go in for self-questioning. That's probably why we haven't made any progress for the last 700 years. Instead, we'll wallow in our own self-satisfaction and complacency. So the group, led by Saudi Arabia

will highlight the inherent tolerance of Islam and the religion’s rejection of all forms of discrimination.

Aren't we absolutely perfect? We are whiter than white. How could anyone possibly dislike such a holy people?

Possibly they dislike us because of the contrast between the "inherent tolerance" in theory, and the "actual intolerance" in practice. Let's look again at some of the TV aired in Saudi Arabia, country of the Two Holy Mosques, thanks to MEMRI (I know, dreadful people who have "an agenda". Like translating racist excrement into English, so the whole world can smell it. Possibly run by Jooos, dear me. What business is it of theirs, our anti-Jewish propaganda?). Anyway, let's see what "the inherent tolerance of Islam" looks like on the TV screen.

Here are a few snippets...

Nice Arabic Father is telling the children a bed-time story. One to give them nightmares. It's about the evil Jooo Nabtal.


Here is the evil Jooo Nabtal. Just so you know he is evil, and a Jooo, they've made him up to look like something from "Planet of the Apes".

Every man should have a hobby. Nabtal the Jooo has a hobby. As you would expect, it's counting gold.


Meanwhile, back at World Domination HQ, the Medallion Men are going to alter their Scripture, so that it no longer predicts that Mohammad will be a future prophet. (It never did, of course, that's just a bit of Islamic vanity). The Jooo on the right is played by Billy Connolly , and he's taking the piss out of the Jooo on the left, who is having a really Bad Hair Day.

Whilst two other Jooos and a deliberately-tarty-looking Jooo-ess are dissing Muhammad big-time....

...and telling us what the Joos do to their own prophets, and how they get that extra-yummy taste in their Matzos.

Just in case this has all been a bit too subtle, too nuanced, this Arab is going to tell us what the Joos are really like...

So there we have it. Catch it on any TV set in Saudi Arabia, "the inherent tolerance of Islam and the religion’s rejection of all forms of discrimination". Clearly the Saudi government are exactly the right people to chair a body that “.... considers the whole of humanity as one family of equal members in the original sense of human dignity ... ,” A cheery thought to send you on your way.

Who was it who said....

Be careful what you pray for.....

JEDDAH, 10 November 2005 — Prayers for rain will be conducted throughout the Kingdom today. Custodian of the Two Holy Mosques King Abdullah has issued a statement instructing all people to take part in the special prayers in mosques, the Saudi Press Agency reported. The prayers were ordered, following the tradition of the Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him), due to a delay in badly needed rain.

....you might just get it?















DAMMAM/AL-DAWADMI 19 November 2005
HEAVY rains lashed the Eastern Province Thursday afternoon resulting in traffic accidents, injuries and the clogging of roads. Half Moon Bay area witnessed a number of accidents resulting in injury to three people, reported Al-Watan Arabic daily. Traffic came to a standstill on Jubail-Dammam Road for three hours while Dhahran-Jubail Road witnessed six traffic accidents causing injury to two persons. Heavy rains preceded by hailstorms also lashed Al-Dawadmi Governorate Wednesday evening and Thursday night. The streets were covered with snow. On Thursday thick fog covered the area. At several places there were flash floods. The citizens came out to see the hailstones and waterfalls. Moderate to heavy rains also fell on Al-Mukhwah, Al-Aradhia Al-Janoubia and Al-Majma ah Wednesday and Thursday, according to Al-Jazirah Arabic daily.

I'm a great believer in the power of prayer. But as King Abdullah knows well, and the Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) before him, if you are going to pray for rain in Saudi Arabia, it's best to do it during our short, but predictable, rainy season.

Apologies for something that may seem off-topic, but go up to any Arab or Asian in Saudi Arabia, and ask them to name their favorite soccer team, and 4 times out of 5 it will be "Manchester United". And these are people who have never been within thousands of miles of Old Trafford. Such is the lure of this glamorous team from an unglamorous industrial city in the north of England.

It seems that the 12-year partnership of Alex Ferguson, Manager, and Roy Keane, Captain, has now angrily split up, with the latter being fired. I asked the blog's Poet-in-Residence to give us his thoughts, and dedicate them to Manchester United fans worldwide.


So. Farewell then
Roy Keane
ex-Captain of Man U.

Temperamental Irishman
meets Irascible Scotsman
it was bound to end in tears.

Keith's Mum
is "sick as a parrot",
but as the commentator says,
more philosophically,
it's a funny old game;
on the day
either side could win it,
or it could be a draw;
it's a game of two halves
and you play until the final whistle;
it's all about
getting the ball in the back of the net
while keeping the other side out;
one minute the crowd
are cheering you on,
the next minute
the ref shows you the Red Card
and you're
going for the early bath.

Roy, you controlled the ball beautifully
but not your temper
or your mouth
when telling The Boss
to "Stick it up yer bollocks!".

And if there's one thing Alex Ferguson hates
it's a mixed metaphor
so he booted you into touch.

(With apologies to E.J Thribb (17), poet of "Private Eye")

It used to be the case that we prided ourselves on swift, if not transparent, "justice". This case is becoming one of many exceptions. I first mentioned it back in August.

Now, the "Arab News" is hinting at a pardon.

Khamis Girl May Receive Pardon

Samira Murait, who was convicted of murdering a man while trying to defend herself against an attempted rape, might have a chance for pardon and thus escape execution.

Abdul Aziz ibn Khamis, the legal attorney of Murait told Al-Watan newspaper that the victim’s family, after many interventions, showed signs of agreement to drop the case and spare Murait’s life.

He said they might consider dropping the case but with certain non-financial conditions which they have not yet revealed.

Samira herself is not happy with the press coverage.

Speaking about the effect of media on her case she said that some of what was published in the newspapers was not true and was full of both fabricated and exaggerated facts which did not help her case. She noted that the media took advantage of her case to make an unnecessary scandal, leading to further distortion of her image in front of the victim’s family.

Unfortunately, the reason we get "fabricated and exaggerated facts" is that court proceedings are entirely secret. No court reporters, no photographs, no courtroom TV, no interviews on the steps. Imagine the situation where you are a young girl accused of murder, and your defense is that the "victim" was trying to rape you.

You won't find "Judge Judy" in the courtroom. You won't have "Ally McBeal" defending you. Instead, your fate will be decided by men like this, with long straggly beards, whose only legal training is studying the Quran. And whose only insight into women's lives are those long heart-to-heart discussions, baring their soul with with one of their four wives, or with their Filipino nanny, or with their Indonesian housemaid. If an unconventional male schoolteacher gets three years in prison, what hope do you have?


Let us hope and pray that the family of the "victim" do the right, honorable, and Godly thing.

I read an article in the Saudi Gazette recently, reporting the words of our Ambassador to the United States, Prince Turki Al-Faisal. And those words were:

Reacting to negative statements released by members of the US Senate at the hearing held Tuesday to discuss Saudi Arabia's cooperation in fighting terrorism and extremism, Prince Turki Al-Faisal, the Saudi Ambassador to the US, said that these statements promote false impressions and partial facts.

So, we are all on the edge of our seats, waiting to hear what these "negative statements" were, and why they "promote false impressions and partial facts". Unfortunately, this is the Saudi press, and when it comes to princely pronouncements, they do not believe in taxing their readers with too much detail, or indeed any at all.

So I thought I would call him up on the phone and probe this further. Now Prince Turki may come across on US TV as quite suave, the "acceptable face" of absolute monarchy and religious tyranny. However, he is a Saudi Prince. Ever heard the term, "Little Princess"? That's usually applied to the spoilt daughter of a well-off Western family. Imagine instead, a "Little Prince", the spoilt son of an obscenely beyond-your-wildest-dreams rich Saudi family. The sort of man who, although supposedly adult, tells his family that he wants an Action Man, and gets an entire army brigade to play with. That's what we're dealing with here.


Ring, ring

Hello?

Prince Turki?

Yes, who is this?

It's Alhamedi Alanezi, of the Religious Policeman blog.

The cat and camel man?

Yes

I like cats and camels.

So so I, Prince. However I wasn't calling about them.

I've got a mouse.

No, I was calling about the report in the "Saudi Gazette".

It's called Mousa. That's Arabic for Moses. It's a good name for a mouse, isn't it?

The report where you said "negative statements released by members of the US Senate".

Have you got a mouse, Mr. Policeman?

Why didn't you say what those statements were?

What statements?

In the report. You know, the nasty things that the nasty Americans were saying.

Not telling.

What do you mean, "not telling"?

I'm not telling.

Why not?

Because you'll laugh.

No I won't.

Yes you will.

No I won't

And you'll tell all the other boys and girls.

No I won't. Cross my heart.

Aawww! You'll get in trouble for saying that!

OK, OK. Crescent my heart.

Still don't believe you.

Well, look, why don't I tell everyone instead. Look here, they are saying in the Judiciary Committee that Saudi Arabia is planting extremist propaganda within the borders of the United States.

So?

There are Saudi tracts in mosques, big mosques in the United States, saying things like "Be dissociated from the infidels, hate them for their religion, leave them, never rely on them for support, do not admire them, and always oppose them in every way according to Islamic law."

Not bothered...

Listen to this one. "Never greet the Christian or Jew first. Never congratulate the infidel on his holiday. Never befriend an infidel unless it is to convert him. Never imitate the infidel. Never work for an infidel. Do not wear a graduation gown because this imitates the infidel."

Still not bothered....

That last one was just bad manners to the host country. But doesn't this one sound really dangerous to you? "if relations between Muslims and non-Muslims were harmonious, there would be no loyalty and enmity, no more jihad and fighting to raise Allahâ's work on earth."

Not bothered! Look at me! Do I look bothered? See my face! Does it look bothered? Is it a bothered face? Uhh?

And then here, talking about Saudi Arabia's ongoing support for terror, they say "Saudis are continuing to fund terror despite repeated promises to stop. Indeed, last August, Y'akub Abu Assab, a senior Hamas operative, was captured after he opened the Judea regional Hamas Communication Center in East Jerusalem. Assab transferred hundreds of thousands of dollars, as well as operational instructions from Hamas headquarters in Saudi Arabia"

Naa naa nee naa naa! Naa naa nee naa naa!

How about this? "in a “August 29, 2005 program aired in Saudi Arabia on Iqra TV, a Saudi-based station, which solicited funds for the Saudi Committee for the Support of the al Quds Intifadah ... Saudi Arabia's secretary-general of the official Muslim World League Koran Memorization Commission, Sheikh Abdallah Basfar, urged Muslims everywhere to fund terrorism"

Not listening! I'm not listening! I've got my ears covered and I'm not listening!

I can see why you didn't want those "negative statements released by members of the US Senate" to be quoted in the Saudi Gazette. Because they report an absolutely appalling state of affairs, something that Saudi Arabia should be ashamed of, and something they should act on as a matter of urgency. As Saudi Ambassador to the United States, what are you going to do about it?

Bum, botty, wee-wee, poo-poo, bum, botty, wee-wee, poo-poo...

Thank you, Ambassador.
Click.

(and thanks to "NahnCee" for one of those links above)

Saudi journalist Rabah Al-Quwayi, a reporter for the Arabic daily Okaz, likes to hang around in some internet forums, the sort of forum where you also meet those religious types with beards as long as their fists. Perhaps he should have remained anonymous.

Another threat was made on Al-Quwayi’s life last month. The threat was made on the well-known fundamentalist website, Al-Sahat. “They took a sentence that I had written earlier out of context. In a long article I wrote in a discussion of the Holy Qur’an and posted on the Internet, I said that ‘nothing should be taken for granted.’ The fundamentalists then concluded that I did not believe in the Holy Qur’an and so I should be killed.”

In the West, the "Porgy and Bess" musical has the words

"It ain't necessarily so,
It ain't necessarily so,
De t'ings dat yo' li'ble
To read in de Bible,
It ain't necessarily so."

However, in Saudi, we don't go in for such scriptural analysis. As you see, it could ruin your health.

More recently, he commented on the case of schoolteacher Muhammad Al-Harbi.

“I wrote that the only logical explanation for Al-Harbi’s case is that he is against terrorism and some religious people seem to support terrorism and so Al-Harbi, by disagreeing with them, is against religion. It is confusing,” Al-Quwayi explained.

Oh dear, we have a liberal in our midst. Time to send him a stronger message.



So his windscreen got broken. However they did leave a note of explanation.

“In the name of God, the Most Gracious and the Most Merciful: This time it is your car but next time it is you. Return to your religion and forsake heresy. This is the last warning.”

"In the name of God...." The opening words of The Noble Quran.

We are truly blessed to have the most devout and pious hooligans in the world.




(from the "Arab News")

First the book. You remember The sorrowful saga of the so-called "Booze Bombers" story? That's the one where Al Qaeda terorists blew up a Westerner with a car bomb. So "Nasty Naif" decided that it was evidence of a "turf war" between Westerners involved in the expat "drinks industry", and started to lock them up, plus a few others as well. Trouble is, the more he locked up, the more explosions took place. Finally, three western compounds were blown up in one night by Al Qaeda, leading eventually to the release of the obviously innocent Westerners. As I said in that posting

Finally, Prince Naif and the Keystone Cops "get it". They can no longer pretend that the bombers are Westerners, when a gang of Saudis drive into Western residential compounds, shouting "Allahu Akhbar" and shooting everyone in sight, before blowing the places to bits. In any other country, Naif would now have resigned before he got fired. By denying the Al Qaeda plot, by persisting with this "Booze Bomber" nonsense, he missed the chance to put down a major terrorist campaign in its early days, a campaign that it took another year to finally deal with. However, as a member of the Saudi Royal Family, his job is his by right, not by agreement. He will decide when he resigns, not anyone else. And he's going nowhere. Meanwhile 22 innocent people were imprisoned, terrified, their lives ruined, denied consular or legal access for prolonged periods, tortured, beaten, subject to "joke" executions, and no doubt scarred physically and mentally for the rest of their lives. And all because the Idiot Child of the House of Saud didn't have the brains, guts or balls to say "I got it wrong. I'm sorry. I'm letting you go".

One of the victims has emailed me to point out that another of the victims, William Sampson, has now published a book telling the story of his traumatic time.

On Sunday, December 17, 2000, Canadian engineer William Sampson stepped outside his house in Riyadh only to be hauled into a car and beaten by two Saudi men he didn’t know. Within an hour, he was incarcerated in one of the city’s most notorious jails. Within two months, he was tortured into a confession of responsibility for a wave of car bombings he did not commit. Sometime in that first year, he was sentenced to death in a secret trial. For two and a half years, Sampson was continually subjected to beatings and torture, convinced his death was just around the corner. Inept diplomacy failed him but human rights groups took up his cause and on August 8, 2003, he was finally freed in a controversial prisoner exchange.

I don't usually advertise on here, but I'd recommend anyone to get hold of the book. It's available on Amazon. It's a story that needs to get out, and to shame the Saudi Government into making proper restitution to all these victims.

The TV program is a 15-minute interview involving John Bradley, an English journalist who used to work in Saudi, whose site I link to above, and Jamal Khashoggi, who was sacked as the too-liberal editor of Saudi newspaper Al Watan. The strange thing about Khashoggi is that he seems to have gone thru some sort of life changing experience, and has now emerged as a media advisor to the Saudi Ambassador to the US. Perhaps losing a prestigious job "got his mind right", but it's bizarre watching him mouthing inane platitudes like a regular Saudi Government munchkin. John Bradley makes a number of very valid points, I just wish he weren't so damned polite about it. I also wish they'd had a real chairman, someone like the BBC's Jeremy Paxman, who would have been much better briefed, and would have sunk his teeth into Khashoggi's leg until he got a proper response to John's criticisms.

You can see the interview here. It lasts about 10 - 15 minutes, and is the first item in the clip.

(The most chilling part, unless I mis-heard, was Khashoggi's revelation that they are sending Saudi judges to Oxford. The mind boggles. Presumably not to the University, for our judges, as graduates of you-know-where, would have great difficulty competing even with the local kindergarten kiddies. Perhaps they are going to help out in the local courts. Imagine that bozo in the previous post, dispensing justice in Oxford? Congratulating kiddy-fiddlers and wife-beaters, while having undergraduates in Halloween outfits lashed publicly in Broad Street. Now that would be a cultural exchange. I do hope I misheard him.)

If you read my post on the Saga of the Booze Bombers, you'll already have some idea of our open, fair and measured system of Justice. However this latest case has me gasping in disbelief.

It's about Muhammad Al-Harbi, a Saudi high school teacher. He's a bit of a non-conformist, a bit awkward, perhaps. Doesn't follow the religious and political norms of our society. Big mistake.

So what's his tale?

Al-Harbi joined the staff of Al-Fowailiq High School after graduating from King Saud University in Riyadh. Based on his academic record and extracurricular activities, the school principal appointed Al-Harbi as school activities organizer.

OK so far.

Deeply disturbed by the explosions at the Al-Hamra Compound in Riyadh in 2003, Al-Harbi felt it his duty as an educator to enlighten his students and warn them of terrorism and its consequences. He went to great lengths by talking to students, hanging anti-terrorism signs around the school and speaking against terrorism.

Now I see. Unlike the 2004 explosions in a Riyadh compound, where mostly Arab Muslims died, and everyone got upset, Al Hamra housed mostly Westerners. Now I know from "small A" experience that some teachers encouraged class cheering after that event, just like after 9/11. So it's no wonder that Al Harbi's humanity is going to become a bit of a problem for him.

Apparently Al-Harbi’s actions and comments against terrorism upset a number of Islamic studies teachers known for their fundamentalist beliefs. After the Al-Hamra blast in Riyadh, Al-Harbi copied an article, “Cavemen Go to Hell” written by Saudi columnist Hammad Al-Salmi in Al-Jazirah newspaper, attacking terrorists and extremists. Al-Harbi posted the article on the school bulletin board but it was ripped off and torn to pieces.

"Islamic studies teachers" are invariably graduates of my favorite university, and are well-indoctrinated fanatics with small minds and IQ's to match. Free Speech is not their thing. Next Al Harbi dared to criticize a terrorist in morning assembly.

One of the Islamic studies teachers stopped Al-Harbi in a morning school assembly from speaking against Abdul Aziz Al-Muqrin, identified by the Saudi government as a terrorist and who was on the government’s list of wanted terrorists. The teacher told Al-Harbi that Al-Muqrin was a Muslim and that no matter what he had done, no one should speak against him.

Don't criticize terrorists, if they are Muslims. The Theology of the brain-dead.

But this guy was really making waves. No wonder his colleagues just needed an excuse to "get him". All it needed was some disgruntled students, some students who had...

....failed the monthly chemistry test. “They asked me to give them the exam again and when I refused, they went to the principal to complain but he upheld my decision,” he explained.

So the Principal backed him, but the I.S. teachers saw their opportunity.

The students’ actions were triggered by some Islamic studies teachers who used the students’ anger at Al-Harbi and convinced them to file the lawsuit.

Lawsuit? What lawsuit?

He was accused of mocking Islam, favoring Jews and Christians, preventing students from performing ablutions.

Note that there is no Police involvement here. Just a group of concerned citizens, upset about supposed attacks on their religion. But what if they can't make those charges stick?

He was also charged with studying witchcraft.

Nice one! Works every time! It wasn't just an old-fashioned Salem thing, you only have to read "Harry Potter" to realize the present-day threat from wizards and witches.

Never mind, he'll get a fair trial, Saudi-style.

Strangely, the judge did not question anyone from the school except for the students and the teachers who filed the lawsuit....The judge heard them individually and did not give the defendant the right to interrogate the witnesses,” said Al-Lahem. He also refused to acknowledge Al-Lahem as the defendant’s lawyer"

Why would you want to interrogate the witnesses? They are religious men, they must be telling the truth, by definition. Better not talk to his other colleagues or students, they will only lie, like this....

The physical education teacher at the school, however, said he had known Al-Harbi as a decent, respectable, cooperative individual. “One of the students came to me today and told me that they really missed their chemistry teacher,” he said.

Unreliable evidence. Let's get this guy sentenced, quickly.

Al-Harbi was sentenced to three years in prison and 750 lashes — 50 lashes per week for 15 weeks.

No, there is nothing wrong with your eyes. The sentence is...

three years in prison and 750 lashes — 50 lashes per week for 15 weeks.

To be carried out in the region that I have promised to mock no longer, so I report it without comment.

The lashes are to be given in the public market in the town of Al-Bikeriya in Al-Qassim.

Just be careful where you buy your vegetables.

For those who criticize my insistence on anonymity, perhaps this will be an additional explanation.

(from our Movie Correspondent)

What an abundance of riches! First we had Syria with their blockbuster soap opera, "The Rothschilds"! Now we've got Iran with this wonderful new cartoon for children! I tell you, folks, the movie scene in the Middle East is a-buzzin! And I'm Saudi Arabia's first movie critic, here to tell you all about it.

Just wait till they show this in Riyadh, in the kiddies' cartoon cinema, just after the "South Park" "Super Best Friends" episode! It's a wonderful, touching, gentle cartoon that's right for kiddies of all ages. And who said that the Iranians were a miserable, joyless bunch of weird-beards?

The story starts with Abd Al-Rahman, a young boy, a really Good Boy, spends all his time doing Granny's shopping, helping old men across the road, and rescuing cats from up trees. He lives with his father, an orange farmer (I mean his crop, not his color, stop sniggering there), his mother, and assorted siblings. It's a normal day in Palestine when the Israeli Army comes along and enjoys some small-scale genocide, as they do. They kill one of the children, and knock the father on the ground. Mother wails, as mothers do.



However Father's had enough of this nonsense, so he picks up a stick and tries to attack the soldiers.



(His language is probably a bit fruitier than that. However this is a kiddie movie)

Unfortunately for Father, the officer in charge is the Nasty and Evil Ariel. (Same name as the Israeli Prime Minister. Now there's an amazing coincidence!). You can tell he is Nasty and Evil just by looking at him. He steals his Granny's shopping, pushes old men out into the traffic, and shoots cats out of trees. And just look at that scar. The sort of scar that students in Heidelberg used to get from duelling. But it's so that we recognize him when he turns up again. Anyway, he naturally has no mercy for Father wielding his puny little stick.



The soldiers gleefully pump bullets into Father. Blood on the oranges. Scratch one orange farmer.

Abd Al-Rahman's not too happy about that. He cries. He cries buckets, in fact. This is a cartoon, so if the Director wants rivers of tears, he gets rivers of tears.




Now this is a critical moment in Abd Al-Rahman's life. He could take over running the orange farm, and look after his remaining family until they can fend for themselves. Alternately, he could go for Revenge.

Well, what sells more movie tickets, orange farming or Revenge? Particularly as revenge is so successful in bringing a quick halt to feuds. None of your namby-pamby Christian "turn the other cheek" stuff here. History has proved on numerous occasions that if they kill one of Yours, then all you need to do is kill one (or better still, several) of Theirs. Then They say "Fair enough, we were well out of order when we killed one of Yours, but now you've killed one of Ours, and we see the error of our ways, we were wrong, we won't do it again, no hard feelings, let's do lunch sometime". So, Revenge it is.

And Abd Al-Rahman says you can stick your orange farming, he's off to join Hamas the terrorist (oops, sorry, resistance) group. Just clip the coupon, fill in your name and address, next thing you know, you're signed up, and sitting in a circle round a candle.



The movie is full of snappy one-liners like this!

Abd Al-Rahman may be a Good Boy, but he's not the brightest. A few oranges short of a full crop, in fact. So they persuade him to be a suicide bomber. It will be his contribution to the world's average IQ. And he's definitely up for it. Especially if he can take out Ariel.



So here comes Ariel's convoy. And they've got a box of explosive in the truck. That might be a Bad Idea, especially passing through the gorge, when....



...Abd Al-Rahman comes leaping off the cliff, sailing out of the blue, with a belt-full of grenades, making a heroic but gravity-defying speech (at 22 feet per second per second acceleration, it would in reality be "I...splatt").

You can guess the rest. Bang, etc. Scratch Abd Al-Rahman. Scratch Ariel. Scratch everyone.

For the children, that's where the movie ends. (They added a bit on for the more, err, adult sort of cinema. Abd Al-Rahman goes up to Paradise, and discovers that the 72 virgins thing is true. Well, it was true when they wrote about it 1400 years ago. The virginity is obviously a long-distant memory, and the passage of all those centuries has not been kind to our not-so-young ladies. However they are still game if you are, and our hero definitely is. The queue isn't too long, only 140 years to wait. Because he's a suicide bomber, he gets to wait in the "Jihad Club" lounge. 140 years of complementary drinks, tiny sandwiches, and CNN on the TV. Eventually he is called, and is delighted to find that as a "Club Jihad" member, he gets a special bonus. She takes her teeth out.)

Now you may think that by its very nature, there'll never be a sequel. Well, you'll be wrong. Because at the very end, another young boy wanders over to look at the Jihadi corpses. And he's also got diorhoea of the tear duct. So we're set up for movie No 2. This will be a bit more realistic. Hamas in reality don't usually go head-to-head with a squad of soldiers, because soldiers shoot back, which is Not Fair, and is also against the Geneva Convention. So our new hero is going to blow up a bus. There won't be a Nasty and Evil Ariel. But there will be Nasty and Evil old ladies with their shopping bags, and Nasty and Evil young mothers with Nasty and Evil toddlers in pushchairs. It's good to know that virtue will always triumph.

Anyway, for a feel-good movie, that has you leaving the cinema full of optimism for the future of the human race, they don't come any better than this. You've got to hand it to the Iranians, their Imams may be completely mental, and their idea of a good time is funeral where the corpse gets bounced along on everyone's shoulders, but I'm tipping them for an Oscar sometime soon. And I don't know about you, but I can't think of nicer people to have their own nuclear weapons!

(Iranian Animated Film for Children Promotes Suicide Attacks, from those excellent people at MEMRI)

Mystery One



Why is Queen Elizabeth of Great Britain and the Commonwealth, "one of the severest enemies of Islam", according to Al Qaeda, in today's Sunday Times?

Ayman al- Zawahiri, second-in-command to Osama Bin Laden, targets the Queen as ultimately responsible for Britain’s “crusader laws” and denounces her as an enemy of Muslims.

What has the poor Queen done to upset him? What "Crusader Laws" is he blathering on about? Perhaps she told Charles that he's not allowed to become a Muslim. Anyway, I think the guy is completely off his trolley. He should come on TV and explain what he means. He could be interviewed by Prince Philip, whose understanding approach to "foreigners" ("If you stay here much longer you'll all be slitty-eyed") is well documented.

Mystery Two

There has been a lot of discussion for some time about Saudi Arabia joining the World Trade Organization. We'd let in foreign-owned companies, expose our own companies to foreign competition, remove trade barriers. Great idea. Even better if we did the same for religion, gave Wahabbi Inc. some competition from teams of dark-suited young Mormons, but that may have to wait a bit.

But there were always two hindrances. One was, could we import things like pork and alcohol? Lots of expatriates would certainly enjoy some bacon with their eggs. And I and my pals would certainly buy the occasional bottle of Chardonnay or whatever, if we didn't have to pay the Princes' silly black-market prices. However, the press always seemed vague on the answer to that.

(Maybe they'd be allowed, you'd just have to get past the Muttawa guarding the liquor store or pork butcher shop. A few years ago, a Saudi-majority-owned branch of Marks and Spencer opened up next door to the Sahara Mall in Riyadh, obviously with the full agreement of the Ministry of Commerce. The Muttawa used to hang around and tell people that it was Haram to go in, because it was "Jewish-owned". Sadly, many people believed them and did a U-turn. However it did keep the crowds out and make for a more pleasant shopping experience, once inside).

The other question has been whether we would start to import goods from the I-country. This mystery seemed to have been solved by a recent article in the "Washington Times".

Amity with Israel opens WTO door

Saudi Arabia has agreed to end all economic boycotts of Israel, allowing the World Trade Organization (WTO) yesterday to admit the oil-rich kingdom as its 149th member, diplomats said. Saudi officials did not comment on the Israel boycott, which had been the key obstacle during the kingdom's 12-year bid to gain entry. U.S. and Israeli officials said the boycott issue had been resolved. "I am very satisfied with the fact that Saudi Arabia has complied with all the rules of the WTO," said Itzhak Levanon, Israel's ambassador to the global trade body.

That's good. Finally we can get some nice oranges, not big bloated things that taste of dish-water. And they apparently have some fine wines.

However this revelation seems to have caused a panic back in Riyadh. Maybe our rulers did agree to it, but we can't let the plebs know, it's bad for morale. Better get some tame munchkin economist to issue a "clarification".

Confusion on boycott of Israeli goods

SAUDI economists have expressed doubt on the credibility of a report that the Kingdom has agreed to end all economic boycotts of Israel to gain WTO entry.....But Fahad Al-Eatany, an economic analysts and an official expert on WTO....said the Saudi government s political stand from the boycott was announced by the minister of commerce two months ago and no change has been made since then.

And what did the Minister of Commerce say two months ago? He's not telling us, and I can't be arsed to go trawling thru 60-days-worth of "King Abdullah travelled to Makkah but forgot his hankie" drivel just to find something that says "In two months time, the Minister of Commerce will explain the government's policy".

So will we get Jaffa oranges? It's a mystery.

So. Farewell then
Yasser Arafat
Leader of the Palestinians.

But where did you lead them?

Did you really write
"Eyeless in Gaza"
as ironic comment on your lack of vision,
or was that someone else?

Snatching Intifada
out of the jaws of Peace
I always thought you corrupt and self-serving.

But, then again,
Keith's mum thought your beard was nice.

So someone liked you.

(With apologies to E.J Thribb (17), poet and obituarist of "Private Eye")

Three tragedies took place in Amman, Jordan, when Al Qaeda suicide bombers attacked the Grand Hyatt, Radisson and Days Inn hotels. 56 people killed. May God grant them peace.

The fourth tragedy is that whilst the victims were overwhelmingly Muslim, this is still a Muslim outrage, conducted in the name of Islam, and claimed by Muslims. Yet another shame on us all, another reason for the world to call us the "Religion of Trouble", or refer to the "Religion of Peace" with obvious sarcasm.

The fifth tragedy is that while the vast majority of Islamic political web sites and blogs never condemned bombings in Madrid, Egypt, Israel, London, or schoolchildren killed in Chechnya, or schoolchildren decapitated in Indonesia, to name but a few, there has now been an outpouring of:
"How could this happen?"
"How could they attack their own brothers and sisters?"
"How can we stop this?"
Our very own Saudi Press Agency, which is usually quick to report actual events, but is extremely slow and extremely selective in its (the Government's) condolences, has now rushed to print in what must be record time with this announcement:

Jeddah, Nov 10, SPA -- An official source of the government of the Kingdom of Saudi Arabia said the terrorist attacks that took place in the Jordanian capital of Amman on Wednesday evening were targeting the security of Jordan and aiming to destabilize the sister country, describing the act as dirty and committed by those who don't care about the innocent and never belong to any religion or enjoy any ethics. In a statement issued in Jeddah tonight, the source said Islam and humanity are free from these criminals. The source condemned in the strongest words these attacks, confirming that the people and government of the Kingdom of Saudi Arabia stand side by side with their brethren in Jordan in their fight against terrorism, appealing to Almighty Allah to bestow his mercy on souls of the dead, offering the condolences of Saudis to the families of the victims and wishing the injured quick recovery. The source said the Kingdom of Saudi Arabia is confident that the Jordanian authorities would be able by the help of Almighty Allah to apprehend the criminals and bring them to justice.

It's nice to see your concern on this occasion, people. But when do you plan to join the rest of the Human Race?

We're not rioting.
And certainly not in France.
And we're definitely not Muslims.
You must be thinking about some other people, doing something else, in some other country.

The riots, described as France's worst since May 1968, have been linked to the threat of radical Islam. But both descriptions are misleading. The violent unrest is better compared to the riots that burnt down African-American ghettos across the United States in the 1960s.
"It is nothing to do with radical Islam or even Muslims," says Olivier Roy, research director at the French National Centre for Scientific Research and one of the world's leading authorities on political Islam.

(as reported in an article entitled "Paris heat not from Muslims" in the "The Age" from Australia. Follow the "Free site pass" on the right.)

That's a relief. I knew it was the Catholics all the time. Go to this clip and hear them calling out "Hail Mary".

In spite of their blase comments, the Princes are really quite worried about the upcoming visit of Condoleezza Rice, particularly if she raises the "religion issue". They realize that some of the so-called arguments for religious persecution in Saudi Arabia are, to quote King Abdullah, "completely ludicrous". So they've decided to call on some of our best minds to think up good excuses. But, judging by what they've got so far, they aren't doing too well.

The puniest one comes from a Dr Ali Al-Tawati.
Every country has its own formula in dealing with the religious issues, said Dr Ali Al-Tawati, a political analyst in Jeddah. The United States is taking religious freedom as a reason to interfere in the country's internal affairs as it uses money for other reasons with several countries.
This of course is a fancy version of "It's none of their friggin' business!". Nice try, Ali, and it might work if Saudi Arabia kept its religion to itself, and didn't bother anyone else with it. However, as we see in many newspaper reports, for example Senate Will Probe Saudi Distribution Of Hate Materials, "its distribution of hate material to American mosques" is very much making it the USA's, and everyone else's business. So that one, in the jargon, "doesn't have legs".

Next up is one of our very own Imams.
Saudi Arabia is a Sunni country and it follow the Sunna any one having any other beliefs other than Sunna can practice it, but not in the public, said Sheikh Asem Al- Hakeem from Jaffar Al- Tayyar mosque in Jeddah.
Now the grammar is awful, but blame the "Saudi Gazette" translator for that. However the original is not much better. No surprise, therefore, that our Sheikh only got through the Imam Muhammad bin Saud University's very lax entrance test by an exemption. Although he was not able to drool onto the examination paper, he did manage to stay awake during the proceedings, unlike many others, and so could enter in a year when candidate quality was even lower than usual. The gist of his argument appears to be that while we don't allow Christianity, Judaism, or any other religion, we also ban our Shia Muslim brothers from doing their "Shia thing". (They like to slap their chests and make their heads bleed on occasion). In other words he is saying "Yes we are bigoted, but we are even more bigoted than you ever imagined". That's clever in its own way, I suppose, but it doesn't really serve the purpose. Back to your mosque, Sheikh Asem, and try to do better.

Oh, Dr Ali is back again.
Tawati pointed to double standard advanced by the United States that calls Israel the Jewish state.
Duh! Yes, Israel is a self-proclaimed religious state, Judaism is the official religion. But they also allow Muslims, Christians etc. to worship freely. Did you know, Dr Ali, that Jehovah's Witnesses are a fast-growing sect there? So it is possible both to have a state religion and to allow other religions. So your argument proves precisely the opposite of what it's supposed to. And you're a Doctor? Doctor of what? Doctor of Stoopid?

The Imam is back.
As a country that follows Islam, starting with its flag that has Allah s name on it, we are obeying the orders of Qur an and Sunna by stopping any one from practicing any religion other than Islam in public, said Al- Hakeem.
That's better, and it's a two-parter. The bit about "practicing...in public" cleverly implies that the Infidels can practice in private. Like a house church, or hiding in the catacombs, like they used to. But it's not so. See U.S. Ally Jails House-Church Leaders as one of numerous examples. So let's try the first bit. Because the flag has Allah's name on it, we can stop everyone else from practicing their religion. Well, that's a subtle argument, far too subtle for me, I'm afraid. In fact my reaction is, if you'll excuse the expression, WTF? Does that mean then, if you follow its logic:
- all Canadians should go around just wearing a Maple Leaf to protect their modesty
- all Japanese should wear one of those joke red noses
- all the Welsh should keep a pet Dragon
or am I somehow missing the point?

Oh wait, he's thought up another one. It's my favorite! It's the Pope and Vatican one!
But Hakeem added any person can practice his faith alone like what is happening in many places around the world such as the Vatican that does not have any mosques as Saudi Arabia has no churches.

My friend, that translator has really got it in for you. No matter, let's understand the argument. There are no mosques in the Vatican, so we cannot allow any churches in Saudi Arabia. This one is King Abdullah's favorite, because of its apparent symmetry.
Here is an aerial photo of the Vatican:


The yellow line roughly marks out its territory. It is 0.44 square kilometers in size. Suppose Pope Benedict says, "Let's have a mosque". Where is he going to build it? There's quite a big church in the middle, but that gets used all the time, is full of pilgrims and tourists, so we can't demolish that. There are some rather nice gardens at the back, and if we trash some buildings, and one or two religious statues and grottoes with Mary in them, we might be able to squeeze one in. But the best place is the square out at the front. All that real estate going to waste. Except that's where all the people go, when they have a big service, or announce a new Pope. So no room there either.

(As an aside there is, of course, a mosque in Rome. In fact, it's the biggest in Europe. (Let's guess which country paid for it, so the biggest mosque in Europe could be the one in Rome!). And it's a particularly nasty mosque.
The sermon of June 6, 2003, culminated with the following invocations, interspersed with the "Amen"s of the congregation:"O Allah, grant victory to the Islamic fighters in Palestine, Chechnya, and elsewhere in the world! O Allah, destroy the homes of the enemies of Islam! O Allah, help us to annihilate the enemies of Islam! O Allah, make firm everywhere the voice of the nation of Islam!"
So there's an example of the Europeans being tolerant again. Too tolerant, of course.)

Now let's look at an aerial map of Saudi Arabia.



This is an area of 2,149,690 square kilometers. Four million times bigger than the Vatican. Now there are lots of palm trees and sand dunes and camels and things, but there's still room for the occasional church or synagogue or Hindu temple in there.
So what do we think of the Pope and Vatican argument? The apparent symmetry turns out, on examination, to be slightly unbalanced. In fact, on a scale between "Brilliant" and "Crap", this argument scores somewhere around "Complete Shite".

The Imam is now getting quite desperate:
We are a Muslim country like what King Abdullah said and Islam is the only religion, he added.
The translator also thinks that the Imam is a complete tosser, and is really enjoying himself here. I don't think I need add any more, we shouldn't be unkind to dumb animals.

Talking about dumb, here's the Doctor again.
There is no religious freedom in many countries, Tawati said.
Well, that's certainly true of some countries. China. North Korea. Probably some God-forsaken place in Asia called something like Uzwuzistan. But you can guarantee that for all these countries, they will also qualify for the title of The Toilet At The End Of The Globe. And Doctor Dumb wants us to be just like them. Enough said.

So much for our best minds. I have my own suggestion.
We don't want to allow other religions in because our own perverted Wahabbi version of Islam is so nasty, mean and vicious, that if we did allow mainstream Islam or Shia Islam or other world religions in, people would soon flock to them in droves, thereby depriving our religious establishment of the income and position in society that they so demonstrably do not deserve.
It's honest. But I don't think they'll use it.

If you have your own arguments to support religious intolerance in Saudi Arabia, please feel free to use the "Comments". Even Unbelievers can contribute. We're not bigoted.

Prince Naif, Minister of the Interior, and King Abdullah, his older half-brother, have been watching a DVD in the King's Home Theater. It was "Philadelphia". The floor is littered with empty Budweiser bottles and spilt popcorn. As the ending credits roll, Abdullah is wiping away a tear. Not so Naif. He is yawning. He has been very badly behaved. As the Tom Hanks character lay dying, Naif was chanting:
"The only good queer..."
...flicks popcorn at the screen...
"...is a dead queer...."
...flicks more popcorn...
"...die, fudge-packer..."
...flick...
"...die, rump ranger..."
....flick...
It was all getting a bit tedious. The bottom of the screen is a mess of popcorn. Usually Abdullah enjoys Naif's clowning, but has had enough of it tonight. He decides that a bit of state business is in order.

A: She's coming back to Saudi Arabia, you know.

N: Rania Al Bruise? Yes, I know.

A: Rania Al Bruise?

N: You know. Rania Al Baz. TV woman. Husband was correcting her, got a bit carried away. Bruised face all over the newspapers. Wanted to go to Paris to bleat to the Western press, so I stopped her. She smuggled herself across the causeway to Bahrain, probably hidden inside some purple-and-blue carpet, you'd never see the difference.
Anyway, she's decided to come back. Even told all the press. Been saying things like "Everyone knows that I received care and protection from my government". We just needed to remind her about her children back here, and how the custody laws favor the father. She soon "got her mind right".

A: That's good to know. But no, I meant that other woman. You know. The one you call the "Black piano player".

N: Oh her! Is she coming? Great! We must ask her to play for us. "Here, Condi, sit at the piano, play us one of the tunes from the shows. How about that opening from "Showboat"? You know the one...
(Naif pouts his lips, rolls his eyes, pounds away at an invisible piano, and sings...)

Niggers all work on de Mississippi
Niggers all work while de white folks play …

A: Hells teeth, Naif! You've got to behave! It's going to be a difficult enough visit, without your awful jokes. It was bad enough last time. Pretending you didn't recognize her, then asking when did she and her sister start playing tennis...

N: OK, Boss, no more bad jokes, honest. Anyway, why is she coming this time? Not (silly quotes sign with fingers) Religious Freedom?

A: No, they'll forget about that soon enough, as long as you don't lock up any more Christians. No, according to the State Department, it's going to be about Terrorism and Political Reform.

N: Political Reform? (Pinches nose with fingers, reaches up arm, pretends to flush imaginary toilet) We're OK there. Had our first local elections, all the plebs get to vote for who signs the garbage disposal contracts, there'll be another one in two years, maybe in five years we'll even let some women vote. That should be OK until Cuckold Woman gets elected President next time round.

A: Yes, for sure, we don't want to move too fast, this is the timeless East after all. No, it's Terrorism where they could get a bit uppity.

N: Why? Isn't Bush always saying "My fer-mer-kens, Saudi Arabia is a great ally in the War against Terror"?

A: Yes, but on the quiet they keep grumbling at me. Saying we're letting too many terrorists go free. In fact, there's something I've been meaning to raise with you for a while. When they ship back our terrorists from Iraq, like that Ahmad imbecile, why do you give them a nice warm bed with flowers and a nice warm Filipino nurse, and then let them go? Why don't you lock them up?

N: Well, boys like Ahmad are basically good boys, just led astray by those Iraqi loonies. We wouldn't want to send a young Saudi boy to prison with all those Pakistanis and Bangladeshis and Indians. Saudi prisons aren't really for Saudis, they're too squalid. Better to let them go home to Mummy, keeps the plebs and the Imams happy. Anyway, they've usually kiled Shias, not Sunnis. Boys will be boys, forgive and forget, is what I say.

A: Talking about forgive and forget, what's all this nonsense I've been reading about today, no sooner have my National Guard been rounding up terrorist sympathisers and pushing them in thru the front door of the prison, when your guys are letting them out at the back? Just because they listen to some Imam droning on for a bit, and then decide that they're really awfully sorry and "repent"? What is this, "Terrorists Anonymous"? "Hi, my name is Ibrahim, I'm a Jihadi". Of course they'll "repent"! Wouldn't you "repent" if you had to sleep next to a dozen Asians every night and had rat droppings in your food every day and teams of cockroaches racing up and down your ass?

N: Hey, it's cool, don't get worked up about it! It's just that your National Guardsmen get a bit carried away sometimes, these are good boys basically, good Muslims, just because they're caught playing with weapons or explosives doesn't make them a proper terrorist. If they didn't have a hobby like that, they'd be trying to get into the shopping malls to bother girls. The few who are real fanatics, they'll go to Iraq anyway, end of problem. Besides, our prisons are getting too overcrowded these days. Didn't you read in today's paper, we've had to take in 80 perfumed cross-dressing Filipinos in lipstick and fancy knickers? We need to make room for the real criminals.

A: I suppose you're right, as always. So where are you going to put all those Filipinos?

N: We'll split them up. Share them out between all the prisons. A fragrant Filipino boy in an Anne Summers basque will be a real treat for all the old cons. Sort of like a food parcel, but for different tastes, know what I mean? Special gift from the Minister of the Interior, have a nice Eid! Maybe they weren't queer before, but they're about to get converted!

A: You really enjoy your job, don't you?

N: Sure do. Beats some other jobs...

Pullin' dem boats from de dawn to sunset,
Gittin' no rest till de Judgement Day.

(They both giggle, and flick popcorn at each other.)

The Muttawa have struck again. This time, it was a beauty pageant. A beauty pageant, in Saudi Arabia? Yes.

In a case of some serious gender bending, police foiled an underground beauty contest staged by men dressed like women right down to every detail late last week.
Saudi police officers, who probably didn t see the humor in the event, broke up a crowd of gay men who were preparing for a beauty pageant at a rest house on the first day of Eid, according to Al-Watan, the Arabic language daily newspaper.

Well, of course they didn't "see the humor". Never try and make the Muttawa laugh. They'll just arrest you.

What is a "Rest House"? A Rest House, or Rester, is like a bar without drink. There are dozens of them on the outskirts of the cities. It's where men go to get away from their families, drink coffee, watch TV, swim or play soccer in the bigger ones, chat, smoke sheesha pipes. And of course hold beauty pageants.

Police also found large quantities of evaluation sheets used to grade contestants unusual beauty. Points included height, weight, contour of the hips and skin color.
There were also sheets to evaluate the sexiest gay. Large quantities of beauty products and make-up items, as well as sexy lingerie, underwear, a mobile phone, a quantity of aphrodisiacs and materials simulating feminine body parts were also found.....The offenders were dressed in female attire and were wearing make-up. Some of the young men were wearing wigs as well as sexy and tight underwear.

So who was involved? Not "our boys", surely?

During the police raid, four Asians suspected to be the organizers, as well as a fifth, a Saudi national, were arrested.
According to sources, the Saudi national signed a contract with the owner of the rest house in order to organize the contest.

The usual ratio, in other words. As it says in the Quran

"O believer! Four of you shall come from distant lands to toil and sweat from dawn til dusk, but the fifth, my chosen one, will sit upon a silk cushion, and drink coffee, and count the money."

However I think the title in the "Saudi Gazette" is misleading.

GAY BEAUTY PAGEANT STOPPED DEAD IN ITS TRACKS

I genuinely don't think it's "Gay". I genuinely think that it's a bunch of lonely guys on 3-year contracts away from their families, having some fun. What else is there to do? Watch TV?

Saudi TV 1. Here is an Imam talking about a passage from the Quran. Again.

Saudi TV 2. Here is a slow-motion replay of an incident in a local soccer match. Sorry, I was wrong, that's their full speed.

So they are just Asian immigrant workers getting a bit of fun where they can find it. But the Muttawa put a stop to that.

Now any Saudi, or indeed anyone from the Gulf, will immediately jump to a conclusion about what nationality was involved. We're not in the slightest PC. Strangely, though, the "Saudi Gazette" is being very coy. That's unusual. I won't spoil the fun by giving you the answer. I'm sure some commenters will jump in. But here's a clue. It will be one of the following

Pakistani
Indian
Sri Lankan
Bangladeshi
Filipino
South Korean

On the other hand, perhaps it was "our boys" after all?

"Arab News" publishes its first-ever humorous cartoon! (Full-size version via here)

Oh well, I think it's funny, in a dark sort of way. Each to his own. Or in French, Chacun a son gout.

(from our Sports Correspondent)

Yes, folks, it's Muslim Mayhem Month again, the time of year when our brothers all around the world compete to see who can win the "Ummah Cup" by inflicting the most destruction and misery, and proving that ours is indeed the Religion of Trouble!

Let me remind you of the rules once again. All types of violence and nastiness by Muslims are elegible, the more ingenious the better, and while it helps if it is done in the name of Islam (for example, shouting "Allah Akhbar" at the same time as burning someone), that isn't necessary, just so long as it's done by a recognisably Muslim group, and so brings publicity and credit to Muslims the world over.


As you may guess, for the third year running, our brothers in Iraq have been leading the field in sheer numbers; they scored 6 dead policemen and 12 injured civilians on Friday alone. However, as you know, they are subject to a referee's enquiry for having excessive foreign players in the squad. It is alleged that they have been bringing in too many players from Saudi Arabia, above the quota, but the investigation is taking a long time because, apart from Ahmad here, the evidence is just scattered far and wide.

But it's the previous outsiders of the competition who are getting all the attention! Yes, our brothers in France have been at it for 10 straight nights on the run! They've been putting in a lot of effort in training camp, and they are now showing their stamina! It's not just our brothers in Paris, either. The action is spreading to other cities like Toulouse and Nantes, more than 900 cars have been torched, so they're not far off that magic 1000! Way to go, guys! I particularly enjoyed this:

A recycling facility was attacked, with 800 sq m of paper going up in flames.

That'll show the Kuffar what we think of their so-called "environmentalism"! That'll probably upset them more than burning all those cars and the woman in the wheelchair!

However, has anyone spotted a new "dark horse" in the competition? Remember the Somali team, lead by General Mohammed Farah Aidid? The guys in the film "Black Hawk Down"? Well, sadly, the general is dead, but his inspiration lives on. These guys are now into piracy. Piracy used to be an unbeliever thing, in the days of Protestant England and Catholic Spain. But now, off the north east coast of Africa, and in the seas between Malaysia and Indonesia, piracy has definitely become a Muslim Thing. And these guys are moving up from boring old merchant ships and tankers. Now they are hitting Cruise Liners.



One moment the passengers are sitting at the Captain's Table, making polite Kuffar conversation, the next moment...

There were at least three rocket-propelled grenades that hit the ship, one in a state room

Now is that cool, or what? Sadly

The attackers never got close enough to board the Spirit, but one member of the 161-person crew was injured by shrapnel

...but it's just a matter of time, imagine 151 rich Western hostages, just think of all those heads!
I tell you, these Somali guys are really up for it, they could come up on the rails and win the Ummah Cup!

Sadly, this competition always brings out the no-hopers, the Donkeys.

Family guilty of 'honour killing'

Now that looks a promising start, but look what happened with this Muslim couple...

The pair met in 2003 through school friends, who described them as devoted to each other, with Miss Begum becoming pregnant in August 2004.
But Miss Begum's father, a Bangladeshi-born waiter, had planned for her to have an arranged marriage.
Her brother, Mujibar Rahman, was also furious at his sister's "blatant" defiance and had previously slapped her for refusing to end the relationship.

So Dad's arranged a lovely wedding for his Muslim daughter with a nice Muslim boy, but she's gone and got pregnant by some other boyfriend, and she has really dishonored her family. Of course, she gets slapped around, but that should just be a taster. What happens next?

Chomir Ali, 44, was found guilty of ordering sons Mohammed Mujibar Rahman, 19, and Mamnoor Rahman, 16, to kill Mr Ghorbani-Zarin, at Oxford Crown Court.....Arash Ghorbani-Zarin, 19, was found stabbed 46 times in a car in Rosehill, Oxford, on 20 November last year.

They killed the wrong person! They killed the man, who has just been led astray through no fault of his own, and not the woman, who is clearly guilty of using her female wiles to tempt and seduce him! Now OK, stabbing him 46 times gets "A" for effort, but it still doesn't alter the fact that it's the woman who is always at fault, not the man!

So, guys, you're not going to win the Ummah Cup. In fact, you get the special Donkey Award.

All together now, Eeh-aaw, Eeh-aaw, Eeh-aaw.

The situation in France isn't getting any better. According to the BBC, the riots are spreading to other cities, and last night, over 900 cars were burned, providing yet another boost for the French motor industry. What happens when they run out of cars? Perhaps they'll start on people. Not like the unfortunate wheelchair lady in the bus who got 20% burns, but mobile people, people who try to run away, that'll be far more satisfying.

So why should I care? I'm also an Arab, and a Muslim, but I come from a relatively peaceful country, live a nice professional lifestyle. And indeed, that's the predictable reaction of many fellow-Arabs. We're nothing to do with those trashy ex-Algerians and ex-Chadians.

Wise up, people. We're all getting tarred with the same brush. A typical reader comment to that BBC article is:

The image of Muslum/ Arabs as portrayed by the media is like a pack of wild animals. The riots in Paris are not helping. Media shows them burning down their own neighborhoods. Images from the middle east show them chanting slogans of death towards the western world, hysterical yelling and screaming, burning flags, jumping up and down beating mock-ups of the US president with sticks. Whats happening in Paris only fans the flames of hatred and misunderstanding directed towards Arabs and Muslims.

Or, a brief quote from a long article in "National Review Online", (and, fellow-Muslims, let's not try and dismiss this as typical neocon propaganda, this message is becoming increasingly heard and influential)

despite the various professed grievances (e.g., India should get out of Kashmir; Russia should get out of Chechnya; England should get out of Iraq; Christians should get out of Indonesia; or Westerners should get out of Bali), the perpetrators were all self-proclaimed Islamic radicals. Westerners who embrace moral equivalence still like to talk of abortion bombings and Timothy McVeigh, but those are isolated and distant memories. No, the old generalization since 9/11 remains valid: The majority of Muslims are not global terrorists, but almost all such terrorists, and the majority of their sympathizers, are Muslims.

So then, faced with the world's increasing disapproval, and backed into that corner, we come out with our most telling argument. We are victims. We are God's Chosen Victims.

Let's list all the people who have done horrible things to us, and made us behave a little badly, on occasion. Well of course the Crusaders. A few centuries ago, almost a millenium in fact, but we couldn't do without the Crusaders. Then the Colonists. British and French Colonists usually fit the bill here. Then the Orientalists, although we get that completely mixed up, because those guys were actually romantic nineteenth-century Byronic types who were very sympathetic to us. Don't let's forget the prime twentieth-century Orientalist, Lawrence of Arabia, he's the cause of a lot of it.

What we don't mention is (hush) the O-word. The O-word? Yes, the Ottomans. From Turkey. (The same people who now want to join the European Union and introduce Europeans to the wonderful world of honor-killings - although, to be fair, they are not all cruel, and 21% didn't believe in killing adulteresses, just in cutting their nose and ears off. "Now try wearing those provocative eyeglasses, harlot!") From 1831 to their defeat in 1914, the Ottoman Turks ruled the roost in the Middle East, all the way down to Makkah. And if you read that article, imagine how bad they were back then, and you may well believe that they screwed up the place big time. However, we never blame them, because (and I'm sure you are ahead of me here) THEY ARE MUSLIMS. We do however blame Lawrence of Arabia, who, together with the Hashemite Arab tribes, kicked their butts all the way back to Turkey, because he was (all together now) AN INFIDEL AND AN UNBELIEVER.

Nevertheless, as people who have victimized us, they are all a bit old and dusty. What we need is a modern-day culprit to blame. And I'm pleased to announce that the Saudi "Arab News" has found that person. In fact, the "Green Truth" can tell us all exactly what's happening on the Paris street, because they have such credibilite de rue in the quartiers, they'll tell us precisely what's going down.

France’s Ticking Time Bomb

But how did it all start? The accepted account is that sometime last week a group of young boys in Clichy engaged in one of their favorite sports: Stealing parts of parked cars.

This may need a bit of explanation. How exactly do you play this sport? What are the rules? Well, it starts when someone's car breaks down. Perhaps a flat tyre, perhaps a broken transmission. It's a bit like "Tag". If it happens to you, you are "It". So you have to repair your car. Now you don't want to go and fix the part yourself, because that involves going to technical school and learning a trade and honest toil, that's a Kuffar Thing. Neither do you want to spend your surplus funds on buying a new one, because it's much more enjoyable to use your money on stuff that will go up your veins or nostrils. The rules say instead that you must get your part from another car. But don't go up to someone and say "Hey, fella, you've got a 1999 Renault Megane just like mine, can I have your transmission?", because that would be too easy. Instead, you need to steal it when he's not looking. Then, when he gets in the next morning and the engine revs like mad because there's no transmission, you can all have a laugh, and he is now "It", and it starts all over again. Of course that's the simpler version, there's a whole scoring system, 2 points for a wing mirror, 25 points for a transmission, and a whopping 500 if you leave the car suspended on bricks with no wheels, engine, or indeed anything useful.

So there they are, these sportsmen, thoroughly enjoying themselves. What happens next?

Normally, nothing dramatic would have happened as the police have not been present in that suburb for years. The problem came when one of the inhabitants, a female busybody, telephoned the police and reported the thieving spree taking place just opposite her building.

There, folks, is our culprit. A "busybody" and, wouldn't you know it, a female one! What is it with these people? Why do they have to phone the police when they see someone being mugged, or a house being broken into, or a traffic accident? Do they lead such sad and lonely lives that they have no-one else to talk to? Like this guy who called 999 in London on 7/11, as reported last week.

"There's people lying in the road, there's a London bus, it's a 30 (route number), I think," the caller told the 999 operator.
"There's people trying to get out. I think there's ambulances on the way, but there's people dead and everything by the looks of it."

He's another busybody! And a man, so he should know better! Doesn't he have a job to do, sales to make, a report to finish? What's he doing, looking out of the window, and talking on the phone? Busybodies. Ugh. Always stirring up trouble. I don't know about you, but me and the "Arab News", we can live without them.

So after our busybody interfered in a sporting event, the rest of the whole sorry tale is history.

A brief chase took place in the street and two of the youths, who were not actually chased by the police, sought refuge in a cordoned off area housing a power pylon. Both were electrocuted.

And that busybody is the person who sparked the whole thing off. Shocking.

EID MUBARAK

Yes, it's the start of the Eid festivities, following the holy month of Ramadan! I think. Well, I'm not absolutely sure. You see, we Muslims have this parallel calendar that started 1400-odd "years" ago, and "year" to us means 12 cycles of the moon, which of course is less than the "year" based on the earth's rotation round the sun. If you are really interested, you can find details of it here. Not that we necessarily follow the calendar, of course. We still determine the start of the month after Ramadan, Shawwal, by looking at the moon, or as Mahmood from Bahrain says, "Eyeballing the moon (howling optional)". Mahmood has done a very interesting poll that shows that most of us prefer to ignore this calendar, and ignore our Imam, and also ignore scientific methods (although we haven't quite got round to the telescope yet) and just celebrate Eid when our government says it's OK to. That's fine, except the UK government hasn't told me it's Eid. But I'm celebrating it anyway.

BIG NEWS

There's some momentous news in the "Saudi Gazette". I can't understand why it's not in your local newspaper.



King Abdullah arrives in Jeddah

The Custodian of the Two Holy Mosques, King Abdullah Bin Abdulaziz arrived here Thursday from Makkah.

Makkah to Jeddah, that's a journey of about 80 kilometers, or 50 miles. One hour by car. And he did it all by himself, with no grown-ups. However, there were a few adults seeing him off, just to make sure he headed in the right direction.

He was seen off in Makkah by Crown Prince Sultan Bin Abdul Aziz, the deputy premier, minister of Defense and Aviation and Inspector General, a number of other princes and officials.

You can just imagine the conversation.

"Here, wipe your nose"
"Here's a bag of candy, but don't eat them all at once"
"Give me a ring when you get there, so I know you're safe"
"Don't lose your coloring book"
"Are you sure you've been to the toilet? Better go again, just to be sure"

"Are we nearly there?"

QUIZ TIME

Here are two cartoons:
















One of the cartoons is deeply offensive. So much so, that in the country where it was published, 11 (yes, eleven) ambassadors sent letters of complaint to the government. And they demanded an apology. Does that ring a bell? There are some people who never apologize, and there are some people who demand apologies, and they are usually the same people. Meanwhile the journalists and editors involved have been subjected to death threats and are taking security precautions.
The other cartoon is in no way offensive, it's just a good laugh. And no ambassadors wrote letters about it, or demanded an apology. There were no death threats.

Do you know which is which? Here is the answer.

Get it right? Well done! You win a holiday in Paris!

Not, however, the Paris of boulevards and pavement cafes. More the Paris of the outer suburbs, where the local Muslims are doing their bit to raise the reputation of Muslims world-wide.

French riots spread beyond Paris

The violence that has wracked Paris suburbs over the past week has spread to new areas and outside the French capital for the first time.
Youths burned buildings and more than 500 vehicles in the eighth consecutive night of rioting. Nearly 80 arrests were made in Paris.

Notice that nobody has yet mentioned the "I-word" or the "M-word". Mustn't be offensive to minorities. Even though, coming from North and sub-Saharan Africa, they are probably not Catholics. Anyway, what's their problem? Well, according to the "Saudi Gazette"

Youths rampaged overnight Wednesday in nine poor suburbs north and east of Paris, home to North African and black African minorities frustrated at their failure to get jobs or recognition in French society, leaving a trail of destruction behind them.

Fair enough. They are frustrated and unrecognized, so that's a good enough reason to explain

A group of officers is targeted near a synagogue in the Seine-Saint-Denis area of Stains, where a primary school is partially burned
and
A 56-year-old disabled bus passenger suffers severe burns when a Molotov cocktail is thrown on board in the northern Sevran suburb

They are certainly getting recognition now. And unlike other unemployed people the world over, who might:

• try and get a job
• set up their own small business
• buy useful things in one place and sell them for a small profit in another
• improve their own area, so that businesses want to come in and provide employment

these enterprising youths have much grander ideas. After all, when

Police say 519 vehicles were burned

...then that's 519 new vehicles that have to be built in factories, and perhaps will bring a new factory into their neighborhood, and

gangs of youths torched a Renault car dealership late Wednesday and incinerated at least a dozen cars, a supermarket and a local gymnasium.

...dealerships will be falling over themselves to come in and replace the one that was burnt, the hypermarkets will also spot their chance to build on the ashes of the supermarket, and who needs a gymnasium anyway, when you're having so much healthy exercise out in the streets?

To all those Muslims who are acutely ashamed of all this, and say that these people play at being "God's natural victims", and that Islam is becoming the "Religion of losers", I say that these are fine examples of our co-religionists, and we should all applaud their intelligence and courage.

Let's see what our schools have to say on that most difficult of subjects, Women. It's clear that the rest of the world has a problem with our attitudes, so let's explain where we are coming from. First of all, let's go back to Grade 2 and look at their role.

My family is formed by my father, my mother, my brothers and my sisters… My father works, endeavors and toils for us, and my mother cooks, washes and keeps the house in order. I and my brothers help our father, and my sisters help our mother with the household chores.
Reading, Writing and Poems, Grade 2, pt. 2 (1999) p. 13

And even at Grade 10, we point out that they are exactly the same as men (as long as they are Muslims, of course!)...

The believers are brothers in Islam’s view. There is no difference between a black man and a white man, neither between the ruler and the ruled, nor between a man and a woman.
Biography of the Prophet and History of the Muslim State, Grade 10, (2001) p. 63

However, as all men know, women can be funny creatures:

Women have a strong innate jealousy, which may lead to strange attitudes, as happened to the ‘Mothers of the Believers’ [i.e., Muhammad’s wives]. That does not diminish their rank and dignity.
[Qur’an] Commentary, Grade 9, (2000) p. 148

So, because of their little failings, we need to treat them a bit differently:

O people, you owe your wives their right and they owe you your right. They are obliged to you not to let someone else into your bed, not to let someone whom you hate into your house without your permission, and not to commit an evidently vile sin. If they do, then God has permitted you to oppress them, avoid being with them in bed, and beat them – but not harshly.
From Muhammad’s last sermon, Arabic Literature, Grade 10, (1999) p. 51

"but not harshly"? - well, no bruises, that's a good rule of thumb. And also, because they are women, they are not worth as many camels as a man, when we have to pay "blood money".

Bloodmoney for a free male Muslim… is a hundred camels.
Bloodmoney for a free infidel is half the bloodmoney for a Muslim…
Bloodmoney for a woman is half the bloodmoney for a man, each one according to her religion, as bloodmoney for a Muslim female is half the bloodmoney for a Muslim and bloodmoney for an infidel female is half the bloodmoney for an infidel.
Islamic Jurisprudence, Grade 10, (2001) p. 46

Which is only fair when you think about it. We can't go giving away camels all over the place. Camels, especially good racing ones, are very valuable.
Because we can't really trust women (you know, "jealousy" and "strange attitudes"), we'd better keep them out of the courts.

As for women – their testimony is not accepted in [matters of] legal punishments [Hudud] and homicide cases [Dima’].
[Islamic] Jurisprudence, Grade 10, (2001)p. 74

And if we do let them out, then they must be fully covered, of course:

There have been many proofs for the command of the veil and the prohibition of beautification and unveiling… God has imposed on the woman the duty to cover her whole body in order to be safe because of her veil from the offenders’ insults… He has prohibited beautification and unveiling because of the scandalous deeds they lead to.
[Islamic] Jurisprudence, Grade 10, (2001) p. 65

Naturally, we want to avoid "scandalous deeds". See what happens in the West. Women go around uncovered, all the men follow them everywhere, dribbling and howling with uncontrollable lust. But talking about men, we don't want them inciting lust either, mincing around, looking like girlies.

The Prophet said: ‘It has been forbidden for the males of my nation to wear silk and gold, which has been permitted to their females’.
Hadith and Islamic Culture, Grade 10, (2001) p. 75

So you need to dress like these fellas . No gold watches or silk underwear there. The Muttawa certainly won't bother them.



Anyway, men aren't the real problem, it's the women, so let's get back to them. A potential problem is "mingling":

The presence in private of a man with a strange woman, as well as mingling with men , are two of the most serious things leading to adultery and the greatest harm. Therefore, God’s Messenger forbade such mingling…
Islamic Jurisprudence, Grade 10, (2001) pp. 67-68

But how do you stop them "mingling", especially if they want to go out? Well, don't allow them to drive, that's one way, we've got that covered. But then the wealthier ones employ a driver, which causes its own problems:

One of the manifestations of forbidden privacy nowadays is a woman who sits in the car with the strange driver with no male relative [mahram] present.

So in fact, the only way to keep them really safe is:

It is best for a woman to protect herself from going out from home whenever possible.
[Islamic] Jurisprudence, Grade 10, (2001) pp. 67-68

So that explains everything, it's really quite logical. So why is it that the West has a such a problem understanding us?

Anyway, if your wife is a problem, disobedient perhaps, and if all else fails, like refusing to sleep with her or slapping her around, it may be time to divorce her. But bear in mind that you can always pick up four cards before throwing one away...

One of the most difficult matters for a sensible woman is threatening her with divorce. The matter becomes more difficult if the husband replaces her with someone who is better than she is.
[Qur’an] Commentary, Grade 9, (2000) p. 151

...although you may get an even better card in its place. But, as the song says, you "have to know when to hold them, know when to fold them", and if it's time to chuck your hand in, at least our law makes it easy:

One of the good qualities of this Shari'ah Law is the permission to divorce when that is needed, namely, when there is no other solution, such as when conflict between the couple increases, living together becomes difficult and other means such as admonition, separation and attempts at reconciliation between them become useless.
[Qur’an] Commentary, Grade 9, (2000) p. 132

You just need to choose the right moment to break the news to her:

The usage sanctioned by tradition for divorce is that it takes place when the woman is not in her monthly period, no intercourse occurs between the couple, and he divorces her in a definite manner i.e., saying the phrase of divorce once, or even twice, but not thrice…
[Qur’an] Commentary, Grade 9, (2000) p. 132

So you just need to tell her, but only once or at most twice. If you tell her three times, it sounds as though you're getting obsessed, and making it personal. Also, avoid telling her during her period, because she'll be grumpy, and avoid telling her while having sex, because it might lead to a discussion and distract you from your enjoyment.

Now for the test. You need to comment on some recent newspaper articles:


Woman Placates Husband by Giving Him 2nd Wife

DAMMAM, 2 November 2005 - A woman teacher finally solved her frequent fights with her husband by providing him another wife, according to a report by Okaz. The report said the teacher noticed that her husband was trying to find excuses to start trouble, so she asked him if he would like to marry her friend who is also a teacher. The husband liked the idea and has stopped causing trouble after he took in the second wife.

1. If you were the husband, would you prefer your wife to give you:

- another wife
- a new Toyota Landcruiser
- an all-expenses paid month in the South of France

bearing in mind the maintenance costs?

2. Would you really enjoy being married to two schoolteachers?


Female Wrestling Match Over Shoes

QATEEF, 2 November 2005 - The general market in the eastern city of Qateef was turned into a virtual wrestling arena recently when two women fought over a pair of shoes, a report by Okaz has said. Instead of ordering new pairs of the shoe that was on display, the duo engaged in a tug-of-war that ended in a noisy wrestling match, said the report. Many shoppers attracted by the fracas came to watch but before the crowd could grow beyond control, police separated the wrestlers and took them to a nearby station for questioning.

1. Explain how this story proves the dangers of letting women out of the house by themselves.

2. Can you explain what it is about women and shoes, that might cause this type of behavior?

3. Many shoppers attracted by the fracas came to watch. Why is it that men the world over are seduced by the Devil into enjoying watching women wrestle? Why do they like it even better in mud?


After Daughter’s Refusal, Man Marries Mother

JEDDAH, 31 October 2005 — A 21-year-old girl refused to marry a man 35 years older than her because of the age difference, Al-Watan reported. The mother tried for six months to convince her daughter to marry him because he was a good person and financially secure. After all attempts to convince her failed, the man was told about the refusal, he came back again to the family, this time asking for the mother’s hand in marriage. Stunned at the man’s request, the mother agreed; the marriage took place this month.

1. What false inducements of the Devil might lead a 21-year-old girl to refuse to marry a 56-year-old man with money?

2. If the mother had also refused, is it possible that Granny might have got a special Ramadan treat?