The Religious Policeman

...for the female readers of this blog. Forget those self-centered resolutions like "I must use lo-calorie dressing on my salad" or "I must go to the Gym more often", and concentrate more instead on pleasing your husband, partner, or significant-whatever.

Thanks to a site frequented by the more muttawa ("religious", in the sense of zealous, holier-than-thou) of my compatriots, and to Farooha for translating them, I offer you these recommendations, selected from among a list of "99 traits a man would love to find in his wife". I have added comments, in italics, to clarify some things.

4- That she does not leave their quarters without his permission.

(Although of course the caring husband will help her to observe this, by having the windows barred, and the main door locked, with the only key in his possession)

5- That she is grateful for her husband, for he has aided her in protecting herself [from her sexual whims]. Also, through him, God has granted her a son, and she has become a mother.

(After all, we have performed the critical and difficult part of childbirth. Wives merely do some grunting and yelling at the end)

9- That she does not leave her home with make up on.

(Yes, that's with make-up, not without. Even though she's wearing a veil, it's the thought that counts. And we don't like to encourage self-esteem in our wives, because it can lead to vanity, which is a BIG SIN)

23- That she admits that her husband is her "master."

(That's self-evident, of course)

24- That she is well aware that her husband's rights are great, and that she must attend to them; for they are greater than her rights ever will be.

(Ditto)

25- That she is not hesitant when confessing to her husband the mistakes she commits, for she should hurry in coming clean. She should also explain her motives to him.

(Even though this is upsetting to the sensitive Saudi male because, being perfect himself, he hates to be made aware of imperfection in others)

26- That she does not mind her husband "doing her" in whichever way he may well please, whenever he may well please.

(All heterosexual males will identify with this. But only Saudi males regard it as an entitlement, not a fantasy)

37- That she does not object when her husband calls her to their love-nest.

(Ditto. After all, what else is she going to be doing? It's not as if she'll be going out, is it?)

44- That she does not harm him.

(But then, why should she even contemplate it? Have you seen anything so far that could in any way provoke her?)

60- That she remains quiet if her husband wants to speak, gives him a chance to talk and listens to him. This makes him feel that his wife cares about him.

(Naturally, because every male utterance is a pearl of wisdom that's precious and shouldn't go unnoticed and ignored.)

73- That she gladly gives her husband the full right of guardianship as granted to him by God.

(If it's OK with God, it should be OK with her)

77- That she is the one to seek reconciliation by attempting to regain her husband whenever she may anger him; so that problems do not become greater.

(Well, it was her fault in the first place).

85- That she takes her husband's feelings into consideration, by avoiding the words, actions and traits that may hurt him.

(I've already said we are sensitive, the last thing we need is a "load of verbal".)

I showed this to Mrs A and told her that that my priorities were 26 and 60. She said that she couldn't personally oblige, but that if I would waive 4 and 9, she would go out and buy me something inflatable.