The diary of a Saudi man, currently living in the United Kingdom, where the Religious Police no longer trouble him for the moment.
In Memory of the lives of 15 Makkah Schoolgirls, lost when their school burnt down on Monday, 11th March, 2002. The Religious Police would not allow them to leave the building, nor allow the Firemen to enter.
Prince Naif, Minister of the Interior, and King Abdullah, his older half-brother, have been watching a DVD in the King's Home Theater. It was "Philadelphia". The floor is littered with empty Budweiser bottles and spilt popcorn. As the ending credits roll, Abdullah is wiping away a tear. Not so Naif. He is yawning. He has been very badly behaved. As the Tom Hanks character lay dying, Naif was chanting:
"The only good queer..."
...flicks popcorn at the screen...
"...is a dead queer...."
...flicks more popcorn...
"...die, rump ranger..."
It was all getting a bit tedious. The bottom of the screen is a mess of popcorn. Usually Abdullah enjoys Naif's clowning, but has had enough of it tonight. He decides that a bit of state business is in order.A:
She's coming back to Saudi Arabia, you know.N:
Rania Al Bruise? Yes, I know.A:
Rania Al Bruise?N:
You know. Rania Al Baz
. TV woman. Husband was correcting her, got a bit carried away. Bruised face all over the newspapers. Wanted to go to Paris to bleat to the Western press, so I stopped her. She smuggled herself across the causeway to Bahrain, probably hidden inside some purple-and-blue carpet, you'd never see the difference.
Anyway, she's decided to come back. Even told all the press. Been saying things like "Everyone knows that I received care and protection from my government
". We just needed to remind her about her children back here, and how the custody laws favor the father. She soon "got her mind right".A:
That's good to know. But no, I meant that other woman. You know. The one you call the "Black piano player".N:
Oh her! Is she coming? Great! We must ask her to play for us. "Here, Condi, sit at the piano, play us one of the tunes from the shows. How about that opening from "Showboat"? You know the one...(Naif pouts his lips, rolls his eyes, pounds away at an invisible piano, and sings...)Niggers all work on de Mississippi Niggers all work while de white folks play …A:
Hells teeth, Naif! You've got to behave! It's going to be a difficult enough visit, without your awful jokes. It was bad enough last time. Pretending you didn't recognize her, then asking when did she and her sister start playing tennis...N:
OK, Boss, no more bad jokes, honest. Anyway, why is she coming this time? Not (silly quotes sign with fingers)
No, they'll forget about that soon enough, as long as you don't lock up any more Christians. No, according to the State Department
, it's going to be about Terrorism and Political Reform.N:
Political Reform? (Pinches nose with fingers, reaches up arm, pretends to flush imaginary toilet)
We're OK there. Had our first local elections, all the plebs get to vote for who signs the garbage disposal contracts, there'll be another one in two years, maybe in five years we'll even let some women vote. That should be OK until Cuckold Woman gets elected President next time round.A:
Yes, for sure, we don't want to move too fast, this is the timeless East after all. No, it's Terrorism where they could get a bit uppity.N:
Why? Isn't Bush always saying "My fer-mer-kens, Saudi Arabia is a great ally in the War against Terror"?A:
Yes, but on the quiet they keep grumbling at me. Saying we're letting too many terrorists go free. In fact, there's something I've been meaning to raise with you for a while. When they ship back our terrorists from Iraq, like that Ahmad imbecile, why do you give them a nice warm bed with flowers and a nice warm Filipino nurse, and then let them go? Why don't you lock them up?N:
Well, boys like Ahmad are basically good boys, just led astray by those Iraqi loonies. We wouldn't want to send a young Saudi boy to prison with all those Pakistanis and Bangladeshis and Indians. Saudi prisons aren't really for Saudis, they're too squalid. Better to let them go home to Mummy, keeps the plebs and the Imams happy. Anyway, they've usually kiled Shias, not Sunnis. Boys will be boys, forgive and forget, is what I say.A:
Talking about forgive and forget, what's all this nonsense I've been reading about today
, no sooner have my National Guard been rounding up terrorist sympathisers and pushing them in thru the front door of the prison, when your guys are letting them out at the back? Just because they listen to some Imam droning on for a bit, and then decide that they're really awfully sorry and "repent"? What is this, "Terrorists Anonymous"? "Hi, my name is Ibrahim, I'm a Jihadi". Of course they'll "repent"! Wouldn't you "repent" if you had to sleep next to a dozen Asians every night and had rat droppings in your food every day and teams of cockroaches racing up and down your ass?N:
Hey, it's cool, don't get worked up about it! It's just that your National Guardsmen get a bit carried away sometimes, these are good boys basically, good Muslims, just because they're caught playing with weapons or explosives doesn't make them a proper terrorist. If they didn't have a hobby like that, they'd be trying to get into the shopping malls to bother girls. The few who are real fanatics, they'll go to Iraq anyway, end of problem. Besides, our prisons are getting too overcrowded these days. Didn't you read in today's paper, we've had to take in 80 perfumed cross-dressing Filipinos in lipstick and fancy knickers? We need to make room for the real criminals.A
: I suppose you're right, as always. So where are you going to put all those Filipinos?N:
We'll split them up. Share them out between all the prisons. A fragrant Filipino boy in an Anne Summers basque will be a real treat for all the old cons. Sort of like a food parcel, but for different tastes, know what I mean? Special gift from the Minister of the Interior, have a nice Eid! Maybe they weren't queer before, but they're about to get converted!A:
You really enjoy your job, don't you?N:
Beats some other jobs...Pullin' dem boats from de dawn to sunset,Gittin' no rest till de Judgement Day.(They both giggle, and flick popcorn at each other.)