The Religious Policeman

(from our Sports Correspondent)

Yes, folks, it's Muslim Mayhem Month again, the time of year when our brothers all around the world compete to see who can win the "Ummah Cup" by inflicting the most destruction and misery, and proving that ours is indeed the Religion of Trouble!

Let me remind you of the rules once again. All types of violence and nastiness by Muslims are elegible, the more ingenious the better, and while it helps if it is done in the name of Islam (for example, shouting "Allah Akhbar" at the same time as burning someone), that isn't necessary, just so long as it's done by a recognisably Muslim group, and so brings publicity and credit to Muslims the world over.


As you may guess, for the third year running, our brothers in Iraq have been leading the field in sheer numbers; they scored 6 dead policemen and 12 injured civilians on Friday alone. However, as you know, they are subject to a referee's enquiry for having excessive foreign players in the squad. It is alleged that they have been bringing in too many players from Saudi Arabia, above the quota, but the investigation is taking a long time because, apart from Ahmad here, the evidence is just scattered far and wide.

But it's the previous outsiders of the competition who are getting all the attention! Yes, our brothers in France have been at it for 10 straight nights on the run! They've been putting in a lot of effort in training camp, and they are now showing their stamina! It's not just our brothers in Paris, either. The action is spreading to other cities like Toulouse and Nantes, more than 900 cars have been torched, so they're not far off that magic 1000! Way to go, guys! I particularly enjoyed this:

A recycling facility was attacked, with 800 sq m of paper going up in flames.

That'll show the Kuffar what we think of their so-called "environmentalism"! That'll probably upset them more than burning all those cars and the woman in the wheelchair!

However, has anyone spotted a new "dark horse" in the competition? Remember the Somali team, lead by General Mohammed Farah Aidid? The guys in the film "Black Hawk Down"? Well, sadly, the general is dead, but his inspiration lives on. These guys are now into piracy. Piracy used to be an unbeliever thing, in the days of Protestant England and Catholic Spain. But now, off the north east coast of Africa, and in the seas between Malaysia and Indonesia, piracy has definitely become a Muslim Thing. And these guys are moving up from boring old merchant ships and tankers. Now they are hitting Cruise Liners.



One moment the passengers are sitting at the Captain's Table, making polite Kuffar conversation, the next moment...

There were at least three rocket-propelled grenades that hit the ship, one in a state room

Now is that cool, or what? Sadly

The attackers never got close enough to board the Spirit, but one member of the 161-person crew was injured by shrapnel

...but it's just a matter of time, imagine 151 rich Western hostages, just think of all those heads!
I tell you, these Somali guys are really up for it, they could come up on the rails and win the Ummah Cup!

Sadly, this competition always brings out the no-hopers, the Donkeys.

Family guilty of 'honour killing'

Now that looks a promising start, but look what happened with this Muslim couple...

The pair met in 2003 through school friends, who described them as devoted to each other, with Miss Begum becoming pregnant in August 2004.
But Miss Begum's father, a Bangladeshi-born waiter, had planned for her to have an arranged marriage.
Her brother, Mujibar Rahman, was also furious at his sister's "blatant" defiance and had previously slapped her for refusing to end the relationship.

So Dad's arranged a lovely wedding for his Muslim daughter with a nice Muslim boy, but she's gone and got pregnant by some other boyfriend, and she has really dishonored her family. Of course, she gets slapped around, but that should just be a taster. What happens next?

Chomir Ali, 44, was found guilty of ordering sons Mohammed Mujibar Rahman, 19, and Mamnoor Rahman, 16, to kill Mr Ghorbani-Zarin, at Oxford Crown Court.....Arash Ghorbani-Zarin, 19, was found stabbed 46 times in a car in Rosehill, Oxford, on 20 November last year.

They killed the wrong person! They killed the man, who has just been led astray through no fault of his own, and not the woman, who is clearly guilty of using her female wiles to tempt and seduce him! Now OK, stabbing him 46 times gets "A" for effort, but it still doesn't alter the fact that it's the woman who is always at fault, not the man!

So, guys, you're not going to win the Ummah Cup. In fact, you get the special Donkey Award.

All together now, Eeh-aaw, Eeh-aaw, Eeh-aaw.