The Religious Policeman

Alumnus Magazine of the Imam Muhammad bin Saud University, Riyadh.
(Dedicated to producing the next generation of Imams, Islamic Scholars, Shariah Lawyers, and equally useful citizens)

Sha`ban, 1426, Edition

Soccer News

Following on from their shock defeat at the hands of the "Little Princesses" team from the Riyadh Under-11 Girls' Soccer League, our University First 11 fancied their chances more when they came up against the Granada District Senior Citizens' Mixed 11.

However hope turned to despair in the first 10 minutes, when Mohammad Al Otaibi received a crunching tackle from a fierce old lady and ended up with his legs completely tangled up in her Zimmer frame. The lady in question was sent off, but not before exchanging a string of abuse with referee and match officials. Meanwhile Mohammad had left the field in tears, only to be persuaded back with the promise of an ice-cream and a trip to the Petting Zoo.

Our team of Theology students, now one man up, should have capitalized on this advantage, but failed to do so, trailing at half-time by 7 - 0. A stern talk by the coach at the interval seemed to stiffen their resolve, and one or two even put out their cigarettes before coming back onto the pitch. Further disaster followed when a Shawarma vendor appeared at the pitch side, (indeed the ensuing rush was the only time when certain of our players were observed to move), and the Senior Citizens went ahead into an unassailable 13 - 0 lead. Our lads should have pulled some goals back when the opposition decided to take an early 10-minute prayer break - however this advantage was wasted when the students got into a fierce discussion about whether it was Haram or permissible for the goalkeeper to pick up the ball, a plastic replica of what was in former times a pig's bladder. Prayer interval over, the Senior Citizens ignored such theological niceties, and the final whistle saw a score of 18 - 0. Let's hope for a better result in the next game, when we take on a team of amputees who have been through the Kingdom's "Correction system".

Publications

Professor of Languages Jihad Zamzami has received critical academic acclaim for his latest book publication.



Entitled "What's in a Name? A Linguistic and Semiotic Analysis of Divine Allusion in the Ice Cream", it traces the history of Polytheistic Religious Imagery in the Ice Cream from earliest times thru to the present-day Burger King Cone.

"A perceptive and absorbing 600-page critique" - Islamic Theology Monthly

"A mouth-watering read" - "Riyadh News"

Entrance Examinations

The Council of Regents have been re-examining entrance procedures and requirements, in view of the decreasing numbers of potential students passing the entrance test.

Originally, potential students were asked to write their name on a piece of paper. However, this did become increasingly challenging for many entrants, who were observed merely to move their lips slowly, and drool. We therefore stipulated that they could enter if they actually drooled straight onto the piece of paper, and not down their chin. This test then served us well for a number of years.

Recently, however, the caliber of most potential entrants has not been equal to this task. We have therefore introduced a new test which will, it is hoped, identify those with the potential to enter the next generation of the Islamic elite.

Applicants will be asked to look at this picture:

...and identify the animal that is Haram or forbidden. They can do this either by

- naming the animal

- pointing at it with something

- dribbling onto it (either directly or via the chin)

- making a sound like it

Alumnus News

We would have been proud to report that Intikab Habib, from Guyana, a Class of '92 graduate of this University, had been appointed as Muslim Chaplain to the New York Fire Department. However, shortly before we went to press, we learnt the sad news that Intikab had been driven from his new position by the unholy forces of anti-Muslim bigotry and Zionist racism. To quote the New York Times of September 30, 2005

The fire department's Muslim chaplain abruptly resigned Friday after saying in a published interview that a conspiracy, not 19 al-Qaida hijackers, may have been responsible for the Sept. 11 terrorist attacks.
"It became clear to him that he would have difficulty functioning as an FDNY chaplain," Fire Commissioner Nicholas Scoppetta told reporters an hour before Imam Intikab Habib was to be officially sworn in. "There has been no prior indication that he held those views."
Habib told Newsday that he was skeptical of the official version of the attack on the World Trade Center, which killed 343 members of the Fire Department of New York. The newspaper published the interview hours before the swearing-in ceremony Friday.
"It takes two or three weeks to demolish a building like that. But it was pulled down in a couple of hours," Habib told the newspaper. "Was it 19 hijackers who brought it down, or was it a conspiracy?"

We are proud that Intikab has challenged the "Official" version of events, as promulgated by the Jewish-dominated US media, and sorry that the FDNY should react in such an over-sensitive fashion to what was, after all, clearly a conspiracy aimed at discrediting Muslim freedom fighters everywhere.

The 30-year Guyana native joined the department as chaplain on Aug. 15 after the FDNY's Islamic Society recommended him for the part-time position, which pays $18,000 a year.
Scoppetta said Habib, who was educated in Islamic law in Saudi Arabia and preaches at a New York mosque, had appeared qualified and passed a background check.
"It's sad," said Kevin James, a spokesman for the Islamic Society of Fire Department Personnel. "We had no idea those were his views. He's entitled to his opinion but he's not the right person for the chaplain."

We also resent the smear implied in the phrase "had appeared qualified" when, by their own admission, he is a graduate of the finest Islamic University in the world. No doubt they will instead replace him with some "tame" Imam from some second-rate institution in Indonesia or India or some place like that.

We urge all our Imam graduates next Friday to preach about this as yet another example of Western Christian decadence and manipulation by global Jewry.

(Thanks to our Brother "Mark" for this newspaper reference)