The Religious Policeman

I realise that this blog is continually bringing Bad News. And Bad News is bad for morale. So let me immediately change the balance. You see, I have some Good News!



Well, not me exactly. None less than Prince Turki Al Faisal, Saudi Ambassador to London. You may remember that on Saturday, our Muslim Affairs Minister, whose name escapes me for the moment but is really not worth remembering, announced that "the Saudi government ........have destroyed half of the terrorist force". Well, it gets even better. Prince Turki has now announced that "five out of six" terrorist cells have now been destroyed. That's an increase of 33.33% in just two days! Or 16.66% a day! On that basis, they'll all be destroyed by tomorrow (Tuesday)! Now isn't that Good News!

Don't believe me? Oh you miserable cynics. Have a look at this 5-minute BBC clip.

Prince Turki Al Faisal Interview

There! You heard him, didn't you? Very polished, wasn't it? Just a shame about the intense blinking when he's answered an awkward question. It looks like a very acute facial tic. It's a shame that when he did the course on "Broadcast Interview Technique for Leaders of Corrupt Arab States", he didn't do the optional module on "Controlling Body Language and Avoiding Involuntary Facial Movements that give away those little Porkie Pies". Obviously the reference to Pork put him off.

So that was the Good News. Now here's the Bad News. The Bad News is that the Good News is complete and utter Crap. The other Bad News is that Arabs don't like to give people Bad News, so we give them Good News instead, even if we lie about the Bad News. That way, everyone's happy....until they discover that the Good News is Bad News after all, then it's Bad News all round.

I hope that's clear for everyone.

What is clear to me is that even in the government, they haven't a clue about what they are fighting. They don't know the size of the external forces, and they don't know how much their own security forces have been penetrated. Apparently the US has offered to help. Well, with all due respect to our US allies, I don't think that Mr "Slam Dunk" and his CIA, fresh from their "WMD in Iraq" triumph, are going to be much help to us. To revert to my normal pessimistic gloom, I think we're up the creek without the proverbial paddle.



I'm also worried about Prince Nayif, the Idiot Child of the Saud Family. He's been far too quiet recently. He normally has Verbal Incontinence - although it's completely embarrassing, he just can't stop the words from dribbling out uncontrollably. But we've not heard anything since he blamed the Jooos for the terrorism in Saudi Arabia. Everyone laughed at him, but he's used to that. But then they told him that everyone has always blamed the Jooos for everything - Hitler, various Tzars, innumerable Medieval Kings and Princes - and the Jooo thing really has been flogged to death, nobody's buying it. Now he's in a deep sulk. I hope no stray cats go near him. He's looking around for some new scapegoat. He liked it when he could blame the western booze merchants, but the more he put in prison, the more the bombings went on, so eventually he had to let them go. But still, there was the germ of an idea there. All he needs now is another group of westerners who are operating businesses and are fiercely protective of their territories. Once Prince Nayif has identified them, he'll strike.

So guys, if your wife has got a Tupperware or Avon franchise, I should start packing right away........